Kyrie Irving Wants to Play With LeBron in Miami

LeBron’s “decision” to join the Miami Heat in 2009 left his former team the Cleveland Cavaliers in complete shambles, until first overall picks Kyrie Irving and Anthony Bennett came around. Kyrie has given Cavaliers fans some hope throughout the past few years, but his team is currently sitting outside of the playoff race, thanks to an overweight draft bust in Anthony Bennett. There are rumors that if Miami fails to win the championship this season, then LeBron would opt out of his contract, and would consider rejoining the Cavaliers. But why in the world would LeBron want to leave paradise, and play for the team he abandoned? That’s like leaving a strip club you worked at for ten years, becoming the best porn star in the world, and then returning to your old strip club collecting dollar tips. That’s exactly why Kyrie Irving wants out of Cleveland, because he’s tired of “collecting dollar tips,” and wants to follow in LeBron’s footsteps and play for the Miami Heat.

In an interview with our reporter Greg Orlin, Kyrie said “I’m praying LeBron stays in Miami, because I really want to play with him there. I want to do the whole “decision” thing just like he did. His “decision” was at a Boys and Girls club of America, and I don’t want to copy him completely, so I think I’ll do mine at a Salvation Army Thrift Store. Jim Gray was LeBron’s interviewer, but after that special aired he was never seen again, so I’m thinking I’ll have Chris Broussard interview me, because I don’t think people would mind if they never saw him again. And once I get to South Beach, I hope they have an introduction ceremony for me just like they had for LeBron. At the ceremony I’m gonna predict we’re gonna win all sorts of championships! But I’m not sure how many I’ll predict. I’ll probably just improvise on the spot, just like how LeBron did it!”

By Kyle Simon