Star forward/center Kevin Love has announced that he will not be a part of Team USA for the upcoming FIBA Basketball World Cup, leaving a big hole on the roster. Love was originally on the roster, but decided that he had too much to focus on, like not wanting to play for his current team, the Minnesota Timberwolves. “I’m not playing for Team USA in September. I really should be focusing on not playing for Minnesota. What do you guys expect from me?” Love said in an interview early this morning. “This decision is a hard one, but it will be better if I leave Team USA to put all my energy into leaving the Timberwolves.”
Not only is Kevin Love expected to leave Team USA and the Timberwolves, but he has a few other things that he wants to focus on leaving as well. “I’m leaving my girlfriend. I’m leaving my insurance company. I’m thinking about leaving my bank. There are just a lot of things I need to leave after leaving Team USA.”
Kevin will be taking some time off, but sure enough sooner or later he will get right back to leaving as soon as possible. “When you make too many commitments, it really sucks. Leaving everything is just easier.” Midway through the interview, Love left without even giving reporters a chance to write anything down. “Yeah I’m leaving, sorry guys.” Love said.
Friday, July 11th, 2014 will forever be known as the day that Lebron James made his decision to sign with the Cleveland Cavaliers, instead of re-signing with the Miami Heat. Returning to his home state of Ohio felt like the right move on Friday, but now it seems that King James is having second thoughts about everything. Lebron is realizing that returning to Cleveland means that he will actually have to, well, live in Cleveland.
Today James addressed the media on his shocking decision, however it was Lebron that looked just as shocked as anyone else. “Cleveland man. This place has uh…a great culture. I mean, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is pretty cool, right? What else, what else.” Lebron stared into space as he realized the inevitable. He was now stuck in Cleveland, Ohio. “What am I doing?” James quietly asked himself as he looked up at the ceiling. “I was literally at the beach a week ago.”
At one point during the press conference Lebron remembered his old home in gorgeous Miami and started to cry. “Yup. Cleveland is great.” James muttered as he put his head down on the table and wept. It seems that everyone in Ohio, except Lebron will be excited for a new season of NBA basketball this year.
It’s tough times for the Cleveland Cavaliers right now. A team that once had high playoff hopes is now sitting at 10-21 with no chemistry and a wasted first pick in last year’s draft. (Anthony Bennett is averaging just 2.6 points and 2 rebounds per game). Things have gone from bad to worse recently when the gambling, stripper-loving, dumbass Andrew Bynum, was suspended indefinitely for actions detrimental to the team. Now Cavs general manager Chris Grant is shopping around, trying to find trade value for Bynum. As it turns out, there isn’t much value at all. However, as of this morning, things are starting to look up for the Cavaliers’ staff and players.
It has been reported by our own Fish Nelson, that the Los Angeles Lakers have an offer on the table for Cleveland. Supposedly there is a SodaStream somewhere in the Lakers break room that Cavs owner Dan Gilbert has had his eye on for some time. Aware of Gilbert’s envy for the carbonating soda machine, Lakers general manager Mitch Kupchak called the Cavs organization and made an offer that would satisfy both sides involved. The Lakers would get the rights to center Andrew Bynum, therefore being able to pair him up with Pau Gasol for entertainment and great failure. The Cavaliers would get the coveted SodaSteam, a home carbonation product that allows you to turn water into any of your favorite cola beverages.
The trade is still being negotiated and the Cavs organization are still open to other SodaStream-related offers. As long as you have a SodaStream, you might be able to trade it in for a seven-foot center with knee/mental issues. The Utah Jazz have reportedly offered Cleveland two SodaStreams and guard Gordon Hayward for center Anderson Varejao. It’s a weird deal but the SodaStream is pretty great. Look out for more reports of SodaStream offers for the Cavaliers.
LeBron’s “decision” to join the Miami Heat in 2009 left his former team the Cleveland Cavaliers in complete shambles, until first overall picks Kyrie Irving and Anthony Bennett came around. Kyrie has given Cavaliers fans some hope throughout the past few years, but his team is currently sitting outside of the playoff race, thanks to an overweight draft bust in Anthony Bennett. There are rumors that if Miami fails to win the championship this season, then LeBron would opt out of his contract, and would consider rejoining the Cavaliers. But why in the world would LeBron want to leave paradise, and play for the team he abandoned? That’s like leaving a strip club you worked at for ten years, becoming the best porn star in the world, and then returning to your old strip club collecting dollar tips. That’s exactly why Kyrie Irving wants out of Cleveland, because he’s tired of “collecting dollar tips,” and wants to follow in LeBron’s footsteps and play for the Miami Heat.
In an interview with our reporter Greg Orlin, Kyrie said “I’m praying LeBron stays in Miami, because I really want to play with him there. I want to do the whole “decision” thing just like he did. His “decision” was at a Boys and Girls club of America, and I don’t want to copy him completely, so I think I’ll do mine at a Salvation Army Thrift Store. Jim Gray was LeBron’s interviewer, but after that special aired he was never seen again, so I’m thinking I’ll have Chris Broussard interview me, because I don’t think people would mind if they never saw him again. And once I get to South Beach, I hope they have an introduction ceremony for me just like they had for LeBron. At the ceremony I’m gonna predict we’re gonna win all sorts of championships! But I’m not sure how many I’ll predict. I’ll probably just improvise on the spot, just like how LeBron did it!”
Things keep getting worse and worse for the Cleveland Cavilers. We all know LeBron ditched the Cavs when he made his decision to live a much happier life on the water in Miami a few years ago, and how could you blame him? Prior to this season things started to look on the bright side for the Cavaliers franchise. Kyrie was coming into his own, they signed Jarret Jack, and they got the first pick of the draft when they selected a 30 pound overweight Anthony Bennett who is shooting somewhere around -.500% If that’s a thing. Since the team has gotten off to a 4-11 start, owner Dan Gilbert is looking to make a move, and apparently the person to blame isn’t Mike Brown who abuses Andrew Bynum more than any of Django’s previous owners. The man who is rumored to be on trading block is Dion Waiters, a shooting guard, who hasn’t done much to hurt the team.
Following his 24 point night against LeBron and the Heat at home on Thanksgiving Eve, owner Dan Gilbert grabbed Dion and brought him to skid row in Cleveland. Apparently Mr. Gilbert was upset that Waiters “wasn’t LeBron” so he offered Waiters to anybody who was willing to guess what team LeBron James plays for, but nobody could guess it right, so Gilbert screamed “The Heat, you idiots! Like the stuff you want really really badly, that you can’t afford, and can’t have!”
All of the homeless people were stunned at the demise of Dan Gilbert happening right in front of them, so they decided to make him a cup of soup. As Gilbert began to gather himself on the sidewalk, he took a sip of the warm delicious soup and apologized for his behavior. Gilbert grabbed Waiters and asked his limo driver for a piece of cardboard and a sharpie. The driver had to drive to a convenient store because he didn’t have either thing, so thirty minutes later he came back with the necessary materials for Gilbert to make a sign to put on Waiters. The sign said “Will play basketball 4 money. Contact Gilbert@Cavs.com for trade info. Happy Thanksgiving.”