Carlos Boozer and Robert Sacre to Star in New “Parent Trap” Remake



The Los Angeles Lakers have had a very disappointing start to their 2014-2015 season. They currently are 6-16 and it doesn’t look like that record is going to improve anytime soon. Fortunately, they finally have some good news.

According to our sources, Walt Disney CEO, Bob Iger, approached the Lakers with the idea to remake the classic family comedy, “The Parent Trap”, with two of their prominent players, Carlos Boozer and Robert Sacre. “I’m gonna be completely honest with you, at first I thought they were the same goddamn person,” Iger commented, “And to be completely honest a second time, half the time I still can’t tell which one is which, but I’m very excited about this project. For a long time, we wanted to remake [The Parent Trap], but never could find the right mix of people. Disney believes that it has found its long sought after winning combination… well not winning at basketball, but you get what I mean.”

Boozer and Sacre are very much committed to the role of long lost twins who both eat oreos with peanut butter. And surprisingly, one of them will actually be speaking with a British accent. I’m just not sure which one.

“I guess this is what happens when you move to Hollywood,” says Boozer or Sacre (it was very difficult to interview them individually because they are both method actors). “I am very excited to join Michael Jordan and Kevin Durant as basketball players who have starred in popular basketball movies. The new ‘Parent Trap’ will be this generation’s ‘Space Jam’. Lindsay Lohan aint shit.”

The Lakers could not be more thrilled about this opportunity. Many fans want the Lakers to have a terrible season in the hopes for a high draft pick. Even Hall-of-famer Magic Johnson agrees saying, “I hope the Lakers lose every game.” Having two players completely out of the equation definitely increases their chances of having a terrible season.

It was also reported that Dennis Quaid will be reprising his role as the father and Rosie Perez will be replacing Natasha Richardson as the mother.


by Josh Kastner


Mike Dunleavy Jr. Writes Caesar Salad Cookbook


Everyone knows how difficult it is to make a caesar salad. First you have to look up the ingredients, then go to the grocery store to buy them. Basketball player Mike Dunleavy Jr. knows your pain, that’s why this holiday season he will be releasing his first ever book, “How to Make a Caesar Salad by Mike Dunleavy Jr.”

We know what you’re thinking, “Mike Dunleavy Jr. is a basketball player, why the hell should I trust his culinary skills?” First off, before Mike played basketball at Duke, he was accepted to go to culinary school at Johnson and Whales. However, before accepting their scholarship, his father Mike Dunleavy Sr., a famous basketball coach, told Mike if he went through with culinary school, he’d put his son’s nuts through a meat grinder.

Ever since his dream was crushed by his dad’s wishes, Mike has secretly spent every offseason hiding out in various restaurant establishments across the country, including Applebees, and Bob Evans restaurants. In his new cook book, Mike talks about the many different chefs he met during each offseason, and details all the many recipes his chef friends have taught him about making the perfect caesar salad along the way.

We asked Mike Dunleavy Sr. about what he thinks of his son’s cookbook, and he replied, “if you buy my son’s book, you’re pretty much burning money.” The book will hit stores right in time for the holiday, and will provide the reader with over 200 pages of different ways to make a caesar salad, so you can show off to your friends and family during the holidays.


by Kyle Simon

Mark Sanchez Posts Craigslist Ad Searching For New Roommate


It’s been a tough pro career so far for Mark Sanchez. He’s had to endure the New York Jets franchise, months of ridicule, and of course, the famous “butt fumble.” Although it seems like his luck has been changing lately since joining the Philadelphia Eagles, there are still problems with Sanchez, for instance, his roommate Chad. Late Thursday night, following the Eagles win over the Dallas Cowboys, quarterback Mark Sanchez celebrated a huge victory by sitting at his computer, searching for a new roommate on Craigslist.

It has been reported that Sanchez is fed up with Chad’s late-night antics, his poor hygiene, and his missed rent payments. Even after giving his current roommate many chances before, Mark drew the line Thursday after finding out that Chad forgot to DVR the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Before leaving Philly to head to Dallas, Sanchez stated very clearly to Chad that he really loves watching the parade every year, and that “it would be great” if he could record the entire thing so that he could watch it when returning home from his game. Rather than recording the parade, Chad spent Thanksgiving morning trying to talk to girls on Chatroulette, and ordering food from three different Thai restaurants. After discovering that he would never be able to watch the 2014 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, Mark made the decision to kick Chad out of his apartment and look for a new friend online.

Mark Sanchez has now been spending his evenings after practice posting Craigslist ads, hoping that someone will respond. His ad reads “Laid Back Football Guy/Parade Fan Searching For New Roommate.” He has also been searching key words on Craigslist like “fun roommate,” “roommate who loves parades,” “roommates that can appreciate back-up quarterbacks,” and “fun roommate who loves parades and can appreciate back-up quarterbacks.” So far Mark has had no hits or replies. Chad is still looking for a place to live.

by Danny Dagorn




FIFA: 2026 World Cup To Be Held In Qatar Again


It was announced today that the 2026 FIFA World Cup will be held in Qatar. The country famous for their rich soccer history, will be granted another World Cup, not long after being awarded the competition in 2022. Every soccer fan around the world cheered and celebrated as humble FIFA President Sepp Blatter made the announcement.

Just as the winning bid was made public, representatives from other inferior soccer countries like Spain, France, Germany, Argentina, Italy, USA, Holland, Belgium, Uruguay, Brazil, Portugal, Chile, Mexico, and England gleefully shook hands with representatives from Qatar, the first country that comes to mind when anybody thinks of soccer.  The representatives from Qatar then jumped for joy as they made their way to the stage to rightfully accept their winning bid.

“I think we can all agree that between the relatively cool climate, the brilliant football legacy, and the completely legal labor practices that will go into the construction of the stadiums, giving Qatar back-to-back World Cups just makes sense.” Blatter stated. FIFA are also looking forward to the 2030 World Cup, where it seems countries like Qatar are favorites to win the bid for soccer’s biggest tournament.

by Danny Dagorn

NFL Decides Beating Child With Stick Actually A Bad Thing



After weeks and weeks of debate amongst the higher-ups, the NFL has decided to suspend Adrian Peterson for the remainder of the 2014-2015 season, concluding once and for all, that hitting your child repeatedly with a stick until they are scarred is, in fact, a pretty bad thing. Roger Goodell addressed the media this morning to confirm the suspension:

“It’s a tough call to make, but after carefully dissecting this tricky predicament for only a few months, we believe that this is bad. A majority of us here at the NFL really believe that hitting your child over and over and over and over and over again with a wooden stick, to the point where the child’s doctor has to speak up about the situation, because the scars on his leg are visible evidence of abuse, is pretty bad. Like not knocking-your-wife-out-in-an-elevator bad, but pretty bad. Not running-a-dog-fighting-ring bad, but pretty bad. Like, not shooting-and-murdering-three-guys bad, but still…pretty bad.”

While some may disagree with the suspension of the Vikings’ running back, and in some cases, actually commend Peterson for disciplining his 4 year-old (the same 4 year-old with scars on his butt, legs, and scrotum) , the NFL has taken it’s firm stance. Goodell ended his press conference with a little relief:

“Hey, at least we’re not talking about concussions or post-career suicides anymore! Am I right?”

by Danny Dagorn





Landon Donovan’s Hair to Retire From Head


One of the most dominant forces in MLS history is calling it quits at the end of 2014. That’s right, Landon Donovan’s hair is finally receding to the point of no return, and by the end of the MLS season, it, along with Donovan himself, will be retiring after a longish career. Donovan’s hair made a statement to the public last week about leaving:

It’s been a nice ride, but there comes a time when you have to look at yourself in the mirror and accept the inevitable. I’m leaving and clearly, as you can see, my time is coming to an end. I’ll always have these memories of the MLS and of the US National Team and I can say that I have no regrets…not even when I was blonde back in 2000.”

Landon Donovan even spoke about how he will miss the LA Galaxy games, the players, the competition, and of course, his own hair. “I always thought that we would have more time together, but it doesn’t seem like that will be the case.” Donovan stated about his hair. “Look at this hairline. It’s pretty bad.”

by Danny Dagorn


Lucky Fan Goes Home With Piece of Paul George’s Fibula


Friday was a tragic day for basketball fans everywhere when Paul George, a member of the Indiana Pacers and the US men’s national basketball team, broke his leg in the most gruesome of fashions during the US Men’s basketball showcase game. The members of Team USA looked on in horror as the all star guard/forward took quite the tumble and basically split his leg in half. (If you’re squeamish, we recommend not Googling the images of his leg.)

Almost everyone in the building was in shock, except for one lucky fan who got a surprise at the end of the night. Garrett Paulson, a dedicated Pacers fan, was in attendance on Friday for the showcase. When George went down it was a hard pill to swallow for Paulson, but his night wouldn’t end in dismay. The Pacers fan noticed when he looked down that a piece of bone was laying on the floor by his shoe. Paulson knew that there were no chicken wings being sold at the concession stand, so it had to be a bone from something else.

When the injury occurred, a piece of George’s leg flung into the stands without anyone realizing what had happened. As medics searched around the court for the missing piece of fibula, Paulson realized what was by his seat. Paulson then quietly grabbed the bone and put it in his back pocket before fleeing the arena. He is currently making a Paul George shrine in his basement. Paul George’s recovery time now depends on whether or not Garrett Paulson will give back the piece of bone, however, it doesn’t seem likely.

by Danny Dagorn