FIFA: 2026 World Cup To Be Held In Qatar Again

It was announced today that the 2026 FIFA World Cup will be held in Qatar. The country famous for their rich soccer history, will be granted another World Cup, not long after being awarded the competition in 2022. Every soccer fan around the world cheered and celebrated as humble FIFA President Sepp Blatter made the announcement.

Just as the winning bid was made public, representatives from other inferior soccer countries like Spain, France, Germany, Argentina, Italy, USA, Holland, Belgium, Uruguay, Brazil, Portugal, Chile, Mexico, and England gleefully shook hands with representatives from Qatar, the first country that comes to mind when anybody thinks of soccer.  The representatives from Qatar then jumped for joy as they made their way to the stage to rightfully accept their winning bid.

“I think we can all agree that between the relatively cool climate, the brilliant football legacy, and the completely legal labor practices that will go into the construction of the stadiums, giving Qatar back-to-back World Cups just makes sense.” Blatter stated. FIFA are also looking forward to the 2030 World Cup, where it seems countries like Qatar are favorites to win the bid for soccer’s biggest tournament.

by Danny Dagorn

World Cup Update: England to Sport New ‘Game of Thrones’-Themed Jerseys

 

England are a loss away from being bounced from the World Cup. If they don’t pull out a positive result from the Uruguay game later today, then the three lions will be sent packing. After so many disappointing World Cups in the past, England have decided to try a new tactic for once.

With the success of the HBO series Game of Thrones, England will be sporting new alternate jerseys that feature pictures of the characters from the hit show.  Now you can see your favorite English players like Frank Lampard wearing the face of Samwell Tarly, or Daniel Sturridge wearing the face of Jon Snow in hopes that Uruguay get so distracted by the kits that they let a few goals slip by them.

Ghana is even considering another alternate jersey that would display the faces of characters from Orange is the New Black, although most of the players have never even heard of the show. It’s a new style of jersey that Adidas, Nike, and Puma are all looking to capitalize on for the future. Nike have even started a new line of face soccer jerseys entitled the “C-List Celebrity,” where each jersey will feature pictures of celebrities like Tara Reid and Andy Dick. Only time will tell if this new line of athletic wear will last. Hopefully it works out for England.

by Danny Dagorn

 

 

 

 

World Cup Update: Team Australia Forced to Watch ‘Maleficent’ In Hotel Room

 

We’re almost one week in and so far it has been a World Cup to remember. There have been upsets (Costa Rica defeating Uruguay), blowout wins (Germany defeating Portugal 4-0), and just about everything in between. One team in particular will have a tough time at the big tournament in Brazil, and not because of football.

The Australian National Football Team were given some horrific news this morning, while preparing for their game against Holland. The team manager, Ange Postecoglou, received a call around 8:00am from the front desk of the Hotel Ilha do Boi, the hotel in Vitoria, Brazil where the team is staying. Apparently the hotel’s cable service was malfunctioning, and the players were not happy about it. ABC, the broadcasting company televising the World Cup this year, heard about the situation and saw a great marketing opportunity. ABC, owned by Disney, really wanted to promote Maleficent while it’s still in theaters, and decided to take advantage of team Australia’s cable situation. With no cable in the hotel rooms, ABC donated 30 Blu-ray players along with 30 copies of Maleficent on Blu-ray to the Australian squad. They also instructed the hotel employees to play the movie on repeat until the end of the World Cup.

Australia now faces two huge obstacles. The first obstacle is to make it to the next round of the World Cup, which will not be easy considering that both Spain and Holland are in their group. The second obstacle is to maintain their sanity while Angelina Jolie’s face continuously projects on every hotel room television screen. Already labeled as underdogs, the Aussies don’t need any more distractions. Being forced to watch Maleficent is a huge distraction. I mean that movie looks really bad.

by Danny Dagorn

Americans Still In Disbelief Of How Attractive Cristiano Ronaldo Is

After many years of dominating the world of European soccer, Portuguese superstar Cristiano Ronaldo hasn’t taken his foot off of the acceleration for one second.  His 2013 has been absolutely spectacular with a total of 69 goals and 17 assists in 60 appearances.  The man’s talent is unquestionable.  His charm and overall attractiveness is also unquestionable.  I mean look at that picture.  Holy shit!  Let’s face it America.  Our athletes will never compare to the Portuguese phenom.  Hot damn.

Recently our field reporters Greg Orlin and Bing Jeeves took to the streets of New York City and showed everyday Americans pictures of Ronaldo.  The results were ridiculous.  People were passing out left and right as soon as their eyes locked on to the tall, dark, and handsome soccer player.  “I showed a picture of him shirtless to a business woman in Times Square, and she fell to the floor shaking and screaming.” Orlin said.  “I went inside a McDonald’s and showed the picture to a family of five and they all immediately dropped their pants and started crying all over their bic macs.” Jeeves added.  Yup, it was chaos.  Everyday Americans aren’t used to their athletes being as attractive as Real Madrid forward Cristiano Ronaldo.  I’ll demonstrate my point by showing examples of the standard athlete seen in popular American sports.

For example…

Good lord.

No.

One more.

So yeah, you can see why the pants were dropping when people saw Ronaldo for the first time.  Seeing him in person must be like seeing a god.  Now it’s completely understandable why this fan ran out on to the field during a game this year just to hug CR7.

Oh the sweet embrace.

By Danny Dagorn

U.S. Men’s Soccer Team Faces Tough Draw For World Cup. Majority of American Sports Fans Still Deciding If They Give A Shit.

This past Friday was the official drawing for the 2014 World Cup.  All of the teams that qualified for the big tournament now know exactly who they will be playing in the group stage.  Unfortunately for the United States, the drawing landed them in the dreaded “Group of Death” with Germany, Ghana, and Portugal.  Everyone knows that team U.S.A. has struggled in previous World Cup tournaments, but now more than ever American sports fans are trying to figure out if they will “give a shit” about any of it.  “I know that it’s pretty important, but if the sport doesn’t involve being brutally tackled or taking steroids, then I’m just not interested.” said local football/baseball fan Todd Barringer.

Americans are still finding it hard to believe that soccer can be relevant in our high-paced society.  “Maybe if you could somehow put them in a fast car and have them drive quickly in a circle, then maybe you could get my attention.” said local NASCAR fan Bill Dunham.  “Or maybe put gloves on them and have them beat the shit out of each other.  That would be awesome” Dunham added.

The World Cup is going to be a huge challenge for U.S.A.  The biggest challenge, however, will be finding American fans that give a shit about soccer.  If the United States manage to pull an upset and advance in the tournament this summer, then maybe some people will jump on board with the whole soccer thing.  But then again, probably not.

by Danny Dagorn