Steve Nash to Sport New Body Cast For Halloween This Year

 

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Just as things were looking brighter for veteran point guard Steve Nash, his season was quickly over in a flash. The 79 year-old (actually 40) was ruled out for the remainder of the 2014-2015 Lakers season for sustaining another back injury. As heartbreaking as it must be for the fans of the former MVP, Nash is actually having fun with it this Halloween.

This Halloween Steve Nash will be handing out candy on Trick-or-Treat night, despite being in a full body cast, writhing in pain from a number of ailments. “I think of it as my costume this year.” Nash murmured through the hole in his head cast. “Since I can’t play this season, I figured I’d give back to the kids and hand out some candy. Well, actually my nurse hands it out to them. I can’t move my arms.”

So even though we won’t see Nash suit up in a Lakers jersey this season, local fans on Halloween night can see him suited up in a body cast. Nash is hoping for it to be one spooky night. “Yeah I’m having my house set up like it’s haunted. Kids will come in an see the decorations. Then they’ll see me and probably think I’m a dead body, but really it’s just their favorite player Steve Nash. I hope it’s scary.” We’ll see how receptive Lakers fans will be of Steve Nash’s makeshift haunted house. It’s certainly going to be interesting, especially considering Nash still hasn’t chosen which type of candy to distribute. “Do kids still like Whoppers?” Nash asked.

by Danny Dagorn

Landon Donovan’s Hair to Retire From Head

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One of the most dominant forces in MLS history is calling it quits at the end of 2014. That’s right, Landon Donovan’s hair is finally receding to the point of no return, and by the end of the MLS season, it, along with Donovan himself, will be retiring after a longish career. Donovan’s hair made a statement to the public last week about leaving:

It’s been a nice ride, but there comes a time when you have to look at yourself in the mirror and accept the inevitable. I’m leaving and clearly, as you can see, my time is coming to an end. I’ll always have these memories of the MLS and of the US National Team and I can say that I have no regrets…not even when I was blonde back in 2000.”

Landon Donovan even spoke about how he will miss the LA Galaxy games, the players, the competition, and of course, his own hair. “I always thought that we would have more time together, but it doesn’t seem like that will be the case.” Donovan stated about his hair. “Look at this hairline. It’s pretty bad.”

by Danny Dagorn

 

Jeremy Lin Gets Lost In Los Angeles Bed Bath & Beyond

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On a warm afternoon this week, Jeremy Lin decided to take a trip to a local Bed, Bath & Beyond in LA to buy a humidifier for his new apartment. Lin, having just moved to Los Angeles after being traded from Houston, felt his new apartment was a bit dry and needed to take care of the situation as soon as possible. Jeremy figured that Bed, Bath & Beyond was a good option to find top of the line apartment needs, but what he didn’t anticipate was the amount of confusion and suffering he would have to go through to find a simple humidifier.

Getting to the store was the easy part for Lin. “I just typed in “Bed Beth and Beyond” into my phone’s GPS and sure enough there was one like right down the street from my apartment.” Getting out of the store was a whole other problem. “Once I was inside the store, I made my way past the ‘As Seen on TV’ section and past the wall full of drapes. Then I looked around and had no idea where I was anymore.” Lin said. The Laker point guard looked around for help but he couldn’t even find his way out of a maze of pillow accessories. “At one point I just screamed for help and still nobody was around. I started to worry.”

After walking around aimlessly for 28 minutes by the ‘Back to College’ aisle, Lin called it quits. “I gave up. The humidifier wasn’t even worth it anymore. I was scared for my life and just wanted to get out.” Lin retraced his steps, found the exit door, and sprinted out of the Bed, Bath and Beyond. He then made his way back to his studio apartment and ordered a deluxe humidifier from Amazon. It looks like Jeremy Lin will have to deal with his dry apartment for another week or so. “Yeah I don’t have Amazon Prime, so the delivery will take a bit longer” Lin stated.

by Danny Dagorn

Cavaliers Looking To Trade Andrew Bynum For A SodaStream

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It’s tough times for the Cleveland Cavaliers right now.  A team that once had high playoff hopes is now sitting at 10-21 with no chemistry and a wasted first pick in last year’s draft. (Anthony Bennett is averaging just 2.6 points and 2 rebounds per game).  Things have gone from bad to worse recently when the gambling, stripper-loving, dumbass Andrew Bynum, was suspended indefinitely for actions detrimental to the team.  Now Cavs general manager Chris Grant is shopping around, trying to find trade value for Bynum.  As it turns out, there isn’t much value at all.  However, as of this morning, things are starting to look up for the Cavaliers’ staff and players.

It has been reported by our own Fish Nelson, that the Los Angeles Lakers have an offer on the table for Cleveland.  Supposedly there is a SodaStream somewhere in the Lakers break room that Cavs owner Dan Gilbert has had his eye on for some time.  Aware of Gilbert’s envy for the carbonating soda machine, Lakers general manager Mitch Kupchak called the Cavs organization and made an offer that would satisfy both sides involved.  The Lakers would get the rights to center Andrew Bynum, therefore being able to pair him up with Pau Gasol for entertainment and great failure.  The Cavaliers would get the coveted SodaSteam, a home carbonation product that allows you to turn water into any of your favorite cola beverages.

The trade is still being negotiated and the Cavs organization are still open to other SodaStream-related offers.  As long as you have a SodaStream, you might be able to trade it in for a seven-foot center with knee/mental issues.  The Utah Jazz have reportedly offered Cleveland two SodaStreams and guard Gordon Hayward for center Anderson Varejao.  It’s a weird deal but the SodaStream is pretty great.  Look out for more reports of SodaStream offers for the Cavaliers.

By Danny Dagorn

Kobe Bryant Refuses to Play Until Chris Kaman is Waived

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Playing for the Los Angeles Lakers is a huge milestone in any professional basketball player’s career.  Great names like Wilt Chamberlain, Magic Johnson, and Shaquille O’Neal have all worn the yellow and purple jersey with pride and determination.  Superstar Kobe Bryant has that determination and certainly knows what it takes to impress a Los Angeles audience that is constantly hungry for championships.  The Lakers, however, are hitting an all-time low with the roster that they have in place and Kobe is not having it.

When asked at a practice on Friday about the team’s playoff chances, a frustrated Bryant gave an unexpected answer.  “Chris Kaman is on this team.  We can’t even be thinking about the playoffs while he is still on this roster.  Every time I look to my side he’s there.  I gave him a twenty and told him to get the hell out of Los Angeles, but he’s still here!  He smells like eight different types of ass and nobody wants to guard him during practice!”

Kobe is now refusing to play until Lakers management cuts Chris Kaman from the team.  LA fans have been waiting for the star to make his return from his achilles injury, but it looks like they will have to wait even longer.  Kaman made a statement earlier today about the locker room tension between he and Bryant, but his caveman-like language left our reporter Fish Nelson very confused.

With five championships under his belt, it’s safe to say that the Black Mamba knows what a winning basketball player looks like.  Chris Kaman is not that type of player by any means.  Will the Lakers waive Chris Kaman or will Kobe Bryant sit on the sidelines for the remainder of the season?  One thing is for certain though.  Coach Mike D’Antoni has his work cut out for him.

by Danny Dagorn