Carlos Boozer and Robert Sacre to Star in New “Parent Trap” Remake



The Los Angeles Lakers have had a very disappointing start to their 2014-2015 season. They currently are 6-16 and it doesn’t look like that record is going to improve anytime soon. Fortunately, they finally have some good news.

According to our sources, Walt Disney CEO, Bob Iger, approached the Lakers with the idea to remake the classic family comedy, “The Parent Trap”, with two of their prominent players, Carlos Boozer and Robert Sacre. “I’m gonna be completely honest with you, at first I thought they were the same goddamn person,” Iger commented, “And to be completely honest a second time, half the time I still can’t tell which one is which, but I’m very excited about this project. For a long time, we wanted to remake [The Parent Trap], but never could find the right mix of people. Disney believes that it has found its long sought after winning combination… well not winning at basketball, but you get what I mean.”

Boozer and Sacre are very much committed to the role of long lost twins who both eat oreos with peanut butter. And surprisingly, one of them will actually be speaking with a British accent. I’m just not sure which one.

“I guess this is what happens when you move to Hollywood,” says Boozer or Sacre (it was very difficult to interview them individually because they are both method actors). “I am very excited to join Michael Jordan and Kevin Durant as basketball players who have starred in popular basketball movies. The new ‘Parent Trap’ will be this generation’s ‘Space Jam’. Lindsay Lohan aint shit.”

The Lakers could not be more thrilled about this opportunity. Many fans want the Lakers to have a terrible season in the hopes for a high draft pick. Even Hall-of-famer Magic Johnson agrees saying, “I hope the Lakers lose every game.” Having two players completely out of the equation definitely increases their chances of having a terrible season.

It was also reported that Dennis Quaid will be reprising his role as the father and Rosie Perez will be replacing Natasha Richardson as the mother.


by Josh Kastner


Mike Dunleavy Jr. Writes Caesar Salad Cookbook


Everyone knows how difficult it is to make a caesar salad. First you have to look up the ingredients, then go to the grocery store to buy them. Basketball player Mike Dunleavy Jr. knows your pain, that’s why this holiday season he will be releasing his first ever book, “How to Make a Caesar Salad by Mike Dunleavy Jr.”

We know what you’re thinking, “Mike Dunleavy Jr. is a basketball player, why the hell should I trust his culinary skills?” First off, before Mike played basketball at Duke, he was accepted to go to culinary school at Johnson and Whales. However, before accepting their scholarship, his father Mike Dunleavy Sr., a famous basketball coach, told Mike if he went through with culinary school, he’d put his son’s nuts through a meat grinder.

Ever since his dream was crushed by his dad’s wishes, Mike has secretly spent every offseason hiding out in various restaurant establishments across the country, including Applebees, and Bob Evans restaurants. In his new cook book, Mike talks about the many different chefs he met during each offseason, and details all the many recipes his chef friends have taught him about making the perfect caesar salad along the way.

We asked Mike Dunleavy Sr. about what he thinks of his son’s cookbook, and he replied, “if you buy my son’s book, you’re pretty much burning money.” The book will hit stores right in time for the holiday, and will provide the reader with over 200 pages of different ways to make a caesar salad, so you can show off to your friends and family during the holidays.


by Kyle Simon

Lucky Fan Goes Home With Piece of Paul George’s Fibula


Friday was a tragic day for basketball fans everywhere when Paul George, a member of the Indiana Pacers and the US men’s national basketball team, broke his leg in the most gruesome of fashions during the US Men’s basketball showcase game. The members of Team USA looked on in horror as the all star guard/forward took quite the tumble and basically split his leg in half. (If you’re squeamish, we recommend not Googling the images of his leg.)

Almost everyone in the building was in shock, except for one lucky fan who got a surprise at the end of the night. Garrett Paulson, a dedicated Pacers fan, was in attendance on Friday for the showcase. When George went down it was a hard pill to swallow for Paulson, but his night wouldn’t end in dismay. The Pacers fan noticed when he looked down that a piece of bone was laying on the floor by his shoe. Paulson knew that there were no chicken wings being sold at the concession stand, so it had to be a bone from something else.

When the injury occurred, a piece of George’s leg flung into the stands without anyone realizing what had happened. As medics searched around the court for the missing piece of fibula, Paulson realized what was by his seat. Paulson then quietly grabbed the bone and put it in his back pocket before fleeing the arena. He is currently making a Paul George shrine in his basement. Paul George’s recovery time now depends on whether or not Garrett Paulson will give back the piece of bone, however, it doesn’t seem likely.

by Danny Dagorn

Blake Griffin Will Not Play for Team USA to Focus on Acting


All-Star forward for the Los Angeles Clippers, Blake Griffin will not be joining the USA Basketball team in Spain this summer. According to his agent, Scott Van Scottenstein, “Blake wants to focus and dedicate 100 percent of his energy on improving his acting skills for his many sponsors.” While Griffin easily had his best basketball season averaging career highs 24.1 ppg, 9.5 rpg, 3.9 apg,, he was not satisfied with acting in only 287 Subway commercials, 134 Nike commercials, and 4,399 Kia a.k.a Griffinforce commercials.

Griffin would also like to take his talents to Broadway. This makes it seems like he would like to play for New York Knicks, but he actually wants to act in Broadway musicals and plays. Blake commented, “I would absolutely love to bask in the bright lights, dance to a choreographed number in costume, and belt out high notes, just like my idol, Liza Minnelli.”

There have also been claims that some Clipper’s players will be boycotting the team while it’s under the controversial ownership of Donald Sterling. One of those players, All-Star guard Chris Paul, commented on Blake Griffin’s aspirations. “Blake is like a brother to me. Hey even my kid loves him! But this Broadway shit is crazy. He might as well play for that racist old bastard.”

By Josh Kastner

New Contracts Land McRoberts and Frye Leased Hondas


NBA free agency has been pretty lackluster since the floodgates opened with free agents like Carmelo Anthony and LeBron James still mulling their offers. Only bottom of the barrel free agents have signed on with new teams, like Channing Frye, who signed with the Magic for $30 million, while Josh McRoberts (white) signed for $25 million with the reigning eastern conference champions the Miami Heat. Following their signings yesterday, both players met up at a Honda dealer in Florida, where they each leased a Honda CRV, to celebrate their ridiculously overpaid contracts.

McRoberts, who has never averaged over 10 points in a full season in the NBA, was shocked to learn that Channing Frye had never driven a Honda before, and told him he was in for a treat. After pulling out of the dealership, Frye smashed his car into a bicyclist, and fled the scene before the biker got up. Frye followed McRoberts into an abandoned parking lot, where McRoberts calmed Frye down by telling him not to worry, considering they both just got paid.

The two picked up beer, and McRoberts called his future teammate, Danny Granger, who was busy exchanging change for cash at the local TD bank, considering his lousy $2 million dollar deal wasn’t as much as he hoped for. Frye on the other hand found himself invited to Epcot where he was supposed to meet his new teammate Victor Oladipo, who was a no show after he was arrested for punching Minnie Mouse in the face.

By Kyle Simon