Mark Sanchez Posts Craigslist Ad Searching For New Roommate

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It’s been a tough pro career so far for Mark Sanchez. He’s had to endure the New York Jets franchise, months of ridicule, and of course, the famous “butt fumble.” Although it seems like his luck has been changing lately since joining the Philadelphia Eagles, there are still problems with Sanchez, for instance, his roommate Chad. Late Thursday night, following the Eagles win over the Dallas Cowboys, quarterback Mark Sanchez celebrated a huge victory by sitting at his computer, searching for a new roommate on Craigslist.

It has been reported that Sanchez is fed up with Chad’s late-night antics, his poor hygiene, and his missed rent payments. Even after giving his current roommate many chances before, Mark drew the line Thursday after finding out that Chad forgot to DVR the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Before leaving Philly to head to Dallas, Sanchez stated very clearly to Chad that he really loves watching the parade every year, and that “it would be great” if he could record the entire thing so that he could watch it when returning home from his game. Rather than recording the parade, Chad spent Thanksgiving morning trying to talk to girls on Chatroulette, and ordering food from three different Thai restaurants. After discovering that he would never be able to watch the 2014 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, Mark made the decision to kick Chad out of his apartment and look for a new friend online.

Mark Sanchez has now been spending his evenings after practice posting Craigslist ads, hoping that someone will respond. His ad reads “Laid Back Football Guy/Parade Fan Searching For New Roommate.” He has also been searching key words on Craigslist like “fun roommate,” “roommate who loves parades,” “roommates that can appreciate back-up quarterbacks,” and “fun roommate who loves parades and can appreciate back-up quarterbacks.” So far Mark has had no hits or replies. Chad is still looking for a place to live.

by Danny Dagorn

 

 

 

NFL Decides Beating Child With Stick Actually A Bad Thing

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After weeks and weeks of debate amongst the higher-ups, the NFL has decided to suspend Adrian Peterson for the remainder of the 2014-2015 season, concluding once and for all, that hitting your child repeatedly with a stick until they are scarred is, in fact, a pretty bad thing. Roger Goodell addressed the media this morning to confirm the suspension:

“It’s a tough call to make, but after carefully dissecting this tricky predicament for only a few months, we believe that this is bad. A majority of us here at the NFL really believe that hitting your child over and over and over and over and over again with a wooden stick, to the point where the child’s doctor has to speak up about the situation, because the scars on his leg are visible evidence of abuse, is pretty bad. Like not knocking-your-wife-out-in-an-elevator bad, but pretty bad. Not running-a-dog-fighting-ring bad, but pretty bad. Like, not shooting-and-murdering-three-guys bad, but still…pretty bad.”

While some may disagree with the suspension of the Vikings’ running back, and in some cases, actually commend Peterson for disciplining his 4 year-old (the same 4 year-old with scars on his butt, legs, and scrotum) , the NFL has taken it’s firm stance. Goodell ended his press conference with a little relief:

“Hey, at least we’re not talking about concussions or post-career suicides anymore! Am I right?”

by Danny Dagorn

 

 

 

 

Super Bowl To Be Put Down After A Good Run

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Years and years of exciting football led to one of the most disappointing games of all time on Sunday.  Fat fucks everywhere sat on their couches and watched as the number 1 defense, Seattle Seahawks, destroyed the number 1 offense, the Denver Broncos.  Most of us who watched Super Bowl XLVIII felt upset, not only because of the game, but also because of the shitty Bud Light commercials as well.  As a direct result of bad reviews and lots of unnerving fan mail, the National Football League have decided to take action.

After two days of processing the big game, a critical decision by the NFL has been made to put down the Super Bowl.  NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell broke the news early this morning in tears.  “There’s just nothing more we can do for her.  We had so many great memories, but it’s just her time to go.” Goodell said as he weeped.  Doctors are standing by now to receive the Super Bowl, which is in critical condition after the horrible accident on Sunday.  Our reporter Fish Nelson stated that a local veterinarian, Doctor Yute Stacker, will be the one to lethally inject the Super Bowl.  NFL superstars like Peyton Manning, Richard Sherman, and Clay Matthews will all be present to provide support for the Super Bowl as she takes her last breath.

by Danny Dagorn

Richard Sherman Hires Jerry Maguire As Agent

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Richard Sherman is the best cornerback in football, and the Seahawks would be crazy not to sign him to a long term deal after he plays in the Super Bowl this weekend. Seahawks general manager John Schneider would like to begin negotiations as soon as possible, but he’s unable to because Sherman recently fired his agent because he “liked” a photo of Michael Crabtree’s on Instagram. Sherman is on the lookout for a new agent, and he’s got his eyes set on Jerry Maguire, the fictional movie character played by Tom Cruise.

Apparently Sherman thinks “Jerry Maguire” is a documentary, and believes that Jerry Maguire is an actual agent for athletes all across the country. “He quit his job for what he believed in, and I want an agent whose got the balls to get me the contract I deserve. I’m the best corner in the game, so why not get the best agent in the game to represent me! I want Jerry to show me the money!”, Sherman said. According to reports, Sherman couldn’t find Jerry’s email address anywhere, so he tried sending emails to JerryMaguire@gmail.com, JerryMaguire@hotmail.com, JerryMaguire@aol.com, and JerryMaguire@JerryMaguireAgency.com, but they all bounced because the emails simply don’t exist.

Seahawks general manager John Schneider is afraid Sherman might hold out until he finds Jerry Maguire to represent him, so he came up with the brilliant idea to hire Tom Cruise to play Jerry Maguire for a day, just so he can sign Sherman to a long term deal. The meeting took place at Tom Cruises’s house in Manhattan on Monday night, where all posters and movie memorabilia of Cruise was replaced with fake images of Jerry’s clients. Tom Cruise was even able to talk Cuba Gooding Jr. into portraying his role of wide receiver Rod Tidwell at the meeting. However, a scary moment occurred when Cuba almost broke character, when Sherman asked him how his retirement was, “I’m not retired! Everybody in Hollywood keeps saying that! I just can’t find a decent role!”, Gooding Jr. said.

By Kyle Simon

 

Peyton Manning Still Obsessed With Papa John’s

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WARNING: You may experience a Papa John’s overload.

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So that’s one Papa John’s commercial.  Ok, Peyton loves pizza.  I get that.

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Alright, doing two commercials is a bit strange but that pizza is damn good.

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Now it’s weird.  Peyton, relax.  You’re eating way too much pizza and spending way too much time with Papa John.

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See now you’re just throwing pizza dough like a fucking maniac.

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Peyton Manning needs an intervention.

by Danny Dagorn

Highlights of Richard Sherman’s Post-Game Rant

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Richard Sherman has been turning heads in the NFL.  The Seattle Seahawks cornerback has been a very vocal player with little remorse for what he says about any opponent he faces.  Recently after his team defeated the San Francisco 49ers to advance to the Superbowl, Sherman made a few comments on a receiver that he was covering that game, Michael Crabtree.  “I’m the best corner in the game! When you try me with a sorry receiver like Crabtree, that’s the result you gonna get.”  Sherman stated.

Here are some highlights from Richard Sherman’s post-game interview with our reporter Fish Nelson after defeating the Niners:

Richard Sherman’s Post-Game Quotes:

 – “Well, I’m the best corner in the game!  When you try me with a sorry receiver like Crabtree, that’s the result you gonna get!  Don’t you EVER talk about me.  Crabtree. Don’t you open your mouth about the best. Or I’m gonna shut it for you real quick.  Michael Crabtree is mediocre at best.”

 – “Crabtree.  Just a straight up douche ass.”

 – “The Broncos are a joke.  Mediocre at best.  Idiots”

 – “By the way, have you seen the Wolf of Wall Street?  That movie was mediocre at best!  Definitely not Scorsese’s best work.”  

 – “I was driving here before the game and I heard a new song by Lorde.  Just mediocre, seriously.”  

 – “Have you seen Peyton Manning’s forehead?”

 – “I tried watching season one of the West Wing.  Mediocre at best.”  

 – “I ordered mediocre cheesy breadsticks from Papa John’s last night.”

 – “The new Samsung S4?!  Mediocre accessibility at best!”

– “Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, mediocre research at best.”

If Richard Sherman wants to continue to blatantly insult people, then he has to pull off this Superbowl win against the Denver Broncos.  What a sweetheart.

by Danny Dagorn

Peyton Manning Breaks Single-Season Record For Most Papa John’s Consumed

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When it’s all said and done, Peyton Manning will be known as one of the greatest quarterbacks in NFL history.  You would think that father time would eventually catch up with Manning, but that has yet to happen.  This year, at 37, Peyton Manning looked unstoppable.  With help from a very solid Denver Broncos team, Peyton Mannng broke the single-season passing yards record by throwing a total of 5,477 yards.  Damn.  He also managed to break another incredible record.  This record, however, involved pizza.  Yup, Papa John’s has been the only thing on Peyton’s mind this year and with a winning spirit, the legend decided to go for the ultimate accomplishment.  Manning ate a total of 2,387 slices of Papa John’s pizza this season, passing the record previously held by Jerome Bettis.

“It was a real team effort.  I don’t think I could have done it without the help of late night delivery from Papa John’s and of course Pepto-Bismol.” Manning said in an interview with our own Todd Helton.  We also interviewed several doctors to get their thoughts on this enormous amount of indigestion.  Doctor Lee Ornament of the Denver Health Medical Center said this statement in regard to Manning’s record. “He’ll probably die.  That’s just too much sauce, too much pepperoni and too much cheese for one giant man’s system.”

Next season many other athletes will be aiming for Peyton’s record.  Clay Matthews is already pizza training his stomach for next year.  NBA player Roy Hibbert has even challenged Manning in saying that he is willing to eat 3,000 slices of pizza in one season.  With all of this Papa John’s consumed, there may not be enough Pepto-Bismol in the world to keep these athletes off of the toilet next season.

By Danny Dagorn