Carlos Boozer and Robert Sacre to Star in New “Parent Trap” Remake

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The Los Angeles Lakers have had a very disappointing start to their 2014-2015 season. They currently are 6-16 and it doesn’t look like that record is going to improve anytime soon. Fortunately, they finally have some good news.

According to our sources, Walt Disney CEO, Bob Iger, approached the Lakers with the idea to remake the classic family comedy, “The Parent Trap”, with two of their prominent players, Carlos Boozer and Robert Sacre. “I’m gonna be completely honest with you, at first I thought they were the same goddamn person,” Iger commented, “And to be completely honest a second time, half the time I still can’t tell which one is which, but I’m very excited about this project. For a long time, we wanted to remake [The Parent Trap], but never could find the right mix of people. Disney believes that it has found its long sought after winning combination… well not winning at basketball, but you get what I mean.”

Boozer and Sacre are very much committed to the role of long lost twins who both eat oreos with peanut butter. And surprisingly, one of them will actually be speaking with a British accent. I’m just not sure which one.

“I guess this is what happens when you move to Hollywood,” says Boozer or Sacre (it was very difficult to interview them individually because they are both method actors). “I am very excited to join Michael Jordan and Kevin Durant as basketball players who have starred in popular basketball movies. The new ‘Parent Trap’ will be this generation’s ‘Space Jam’. Lindsay Lohan aint shit.”

The Lakers could not be more thrilled about this opportunity. Many fans want the Lakers to have a terrible season in the hopes for a high draft pick. Even Hall-of-famer Magic Johnson agrees saying, “I hope the Lakers lose every game.” Having two players completely out of the equation definitely increases their chances of having a terrible season.

It was also reported that Dennis Quaid will be reprising his role as the father and Rosie Perez will be replacing Natasha Richardson as the mother.

 

by Josh Kastner

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Chris Kaman Dies On The Bench

Kamandead

It’s a sad story.  Last night the Lakers played the Cavaliers in what had to be one of the most pathetic games that the NBA community has ever seen.  The Los Angeles Lakers, who were extremely short-handed, managed to dominate the horrible Cleveland Cavaliers.  LA only had eight players available, which eventually dwindled down to four after two players got injured, and two more fouled out. (Robert Sacre fouled out but eventually had to return to the game because the Lakers needed five players on the court.  It was a mess.)

Sure, the game was a real tragedy, but it doesn’t compare to the tragedy of Chris Kaman.  After fouling out of the game early in the fourth quarter, Kaman went to the bench.  He then decided to lay down on all of the chairs on the sideline.  Everyone in the stadium looked very confused as they saw Kaman sprawled out on the Lakers bench.  Lakers coach Mike D’Antoni looked over at the tall, white mass and just shrugged it off.  Let’s face it, with this Lakers season, nothing surprises D’Antoni at this point.  Little did D’Antoni know, Chris Kaman was dead.

That’s right.  Dead.  Once the gentle giant laid down, he immediately passed away.  Nobody is certain why he died but when our reporter Anna Sheeps asked teammate Steve Nash about Kaman’s untimely passing, Nash responded with two words, “locos tacos.”  The NBA is still mourning the sad death of one of basketball’s true legends.  Earlier today the rock icon Bono made an announcement that there will be a tribute concert to the late Chris Kaman.  The concert series will be called “Live Chris”.

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Bono announcing “Live Chris”

“Live Chris” will feature some of Kaman’s favorite bands like Kansas and Nine Inch Nails.  The event will be held later this year.  Metta World Peace is expected to perform a duet with a drunk Dennis Rodman.

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Chris Kaman

RIP Chris Kaman (1825-2014)

by Danny Dagorn