Kevin Love Leaving Team USA To Focus More On Leaving Minnesota


Star forward/center Kevin Love has announced that he will not be a part of Team USA for the upcoming FIBA Basketball World Cup, leaving a big hole on the roster. Love was originally on the roster, but decided that he had too much to focus on, like not wanting to play for his current team, the Minnesota Timberwolves. “I’m not playing for Team USA in September. I really should be focusing on not playing for Minnesota. What do you guys expect from me?” Love said in an interview early this morning. “This decision is a hard one, but it will be better if I leave Team USA to put all my energy into leaving the Timberwolves.”

Not only is Kevin Love expected to leave Team USA and the Timberwolves, but he has a few other things that he wants to focus on leaving as well. “I’m leaving my girlfriend. I’m leaving my insurance company. I’m thinking about leaving my bank. There are just a lot of things I need to leave after leaving Team USA.”

Kevin will be taking some time off, but sure enough sooner or later he will get right back to leaving as soon as possible. “When you make too many commitments, it really sucks. Leaving everything is just easier.” Midway through the interview, Love left without even giving reporters a chance to write anything down. “Yeah I’m leaving, sorry guys.” Love said.

by Danny Dagorn


Jeremy Lin Gets Lost In Los Angeles Bed Bath & Beyond


On a warm afternoon this week, Jeremy Lin decided to take a trip to a local Bed, Bath & Beyond in LA to buy a humidifier for his new apartment. Lin, having just moved to Los Angeles after being traded from Houston, felt his new apartment was a bit dry and needed to take care of the situation as soon as possible. Jeremy figured that Bed, Bath & Beyond was a good option to find top of the line apartment needs, but what he didn’t anticipate was the amount of confusion and suffering he would have to go through to find a simple humidifier.

Getting to the store was the easy part for Lin. “I just typed in “Bed Beth and Beyond” into my phone’s GPS and sure enough there was one like right down the street from my apartment.” Getting out of the store was a whole other problem. “Once I was inside the store, I made my way past the ‘As Seen on TV’ section and past the wall full of drapes. Then I looked around and had no idea where I was anymore.” Lin said. The Laker point guard looked around for help but he couldn’t even find his way out of a maze of pillow accessories. “At one point I just screamed for help and still nobody was around. I started to worry.”

After walking around aimlessly for 28 minutes by the ‘Back to College’ aisle, Lin called it quits. “I gave up. The humidifier wasn’t even worth it anymore. I was scared for my life and just wanted to get out.” Lin retraced his steps, found the exit door, and sprinted out of the Bed, Bath and Beyond. He then made his way back to his studio apartment and ordered a deluxe humidifier from Amazon. It looks like Jeremy Lin will have to deal with his dry apartment for another week or so. “Yeah I don’t have Amazon Prime, so the delivery will take a bit longer” Lin stated.

by Danny Dagorn

Kevin Garnett Traded To Chelsea FC.


Just look at that picture.  That’s one happy 57 year-old power forward, smiling joyfully in a big blue Chelsea jersey.  Yup, a Chelsea jersey.  Kevin Garnett.  At a soccer stadium.  In a soccer jersey.

This week, while preparing for what may be considered the lamest game of the year, the Brooklyn Nets (15-22) arrived in London, England for an abysmal match-up against the Atlanta Hawks (20-18).  After a long flight from New York to London, Garnett decided to explore the British city while his teammates fell asleep in their hotel rooms.  He was starting to realize how miserable the Brooklyn Nets season has been.

He started his exploration by making his way to a British pub to try some local beer.  To his surprise, head coach Jason Kidd was already in the pub passed out at the bar with eight empty beer glasses by his head.  This was the straw that broke the camel’s back or whatever.  Garnett decided not to help out his alcoholic coach and instead called his agent to set him up with a meeting with Chelsea, the world famous soccer club in London.  “I’m sick of basketball.  I’m sick of Brooklyn.  I’m sick of this shitty season.  I want to be traded to a soccer club!!!”  Garnett screamed at his agent.  “Make it happen!”  KG’s agent, Bill Puhduh, was astonished to get the phone call, but he knew that he had to make his client happy.

Puhduh immediately contacted Jose Mourinho, the high-powered, high-profile manager for Chelsea FC.  “I know this sounds crazy, but my client would really like to play for Chelsea and it would be a stupid and crazy publicity stunt that can work for both of us.” Puhduh stated.  “Let’s work something out.”  Mourinho then contacted the manager of the Nets, Billy King, who was willing to do any trade because of his horrible managerial skills.  The two spoke over the phone for nearly twenty minutes until a deal was struck.  Forwards André Schürrle and Demba Ba of Chelsea will now be playing for the Brooklyn Nets franchise, while Kevin Garnett will now be a part of Chelsea.

It’s confusing and it’s weird, but it happened and now both teams will have to figure out how to fit these new players into their systems.  Garnett made a statement about the trade.  “I couldn’t be happier right now.  I have no idea what the hell I’m doing, but I’m happy.  I had to get away from Brooklyn and that mess.  Now I can live my dream of being the first NBA player to play in the English Premier League.  Fuck yeah!”  The talented german André Schürrle also made a comment on the move to Brooklyn.  “Das ist schrecklich” translating to “This is horrible.”

by Danny Dagorn

Cavaliers Looking To Trade Andrew Bynum For A SodaStream

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It’s tough times for the Cleveland Cavaliers right now.  A team that once had high playoff hopes is now sitting at 10-21 with no chemistry and a wasted first pick in last year’s draft. (Anthony Bennett is averaging just 2.6 points and 2 rebounds per game).  Things have gone from bad to worse recently when the gambling, stripper-loving, dumbass Andrew Bynum, was suspended indefinitely for actions detrimental to the team.  Now Cavs general manager Chris Grant is shopping around, trying to find trade value for Bynum.  As it turns out, there isn’t much value at all.  However, as of this morning, things are starting to look up for the Cavaliers’ staff and players.

It has been reported by our own Fish Nelson, that the Los Angeles Lakers have an offer on the table for Cleveland.  Supposedly there is a SodaStream somewhere in the Lakers break room that Cavs owner Dan Gilbert has had his eye on for some time.  Aware of Gilbert’s envy for the carbonating soda machine, Lakers general manager Mitch Kupchak called the Cavs organization and made an offer that would satisfy both sides involved.  The Lakers would get the rights to center Andrew Bynum, therefore being able to pair him up with Pau Gasol for entertainment and great failure.  The Cavaliers would get the coveted SodaSteam, a home carbonation product that allows you to turn water into any of your favorite cola beverages.

The trade is still being negotiated and the Cavs organization are still open to other SodaStream-related offers.  As long as you have a SodaStream, you might be able to trade it in for a seven-foot center with knee/mental issues.  The Utah Jazz have reportedly offered Cleveland two SodaStreams and guard Gordon Hayward for center Anderson Varejao.  It’s a weird deal but the SodaStream is pretty great.  Look out for more reports of SodaStream offers for the Cavaliers.

By Danny Dagorn

Derrick Williams Is Changing His Last Name to Rose


Derrick Williams, formerly of the Minnesota Timberwolves, was traded to the Sacramento Kings last week and is changing his last name to Rose. The move may come as a shock to many, but it’s a pretty savvy business move that will hopefully capitalize on Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose’s fame while he’s out for the season with his second ruptured knee in three seasons.

Derrick’s publicist, Alan Hornsby, released a statement regarding his client’s name. “Mr. Williams is fully aware of the potential success he could gain by changing his last name to Rose. For instance, Ron Artest changed his name to Meta World Peace so people could focus on the “good” attributes about Ron, when really he was just a scum bag prick who beat up fans during a road game in Detroit almost a decade ago. But after changing his name, and serving a year long suspension, Meta won himself a championship.”

In Derrick Williams’ case, changing his last name to Rose would be beneficial because Derrick Rose has an MVP award, while the only thing Derrick Williams has ever won was a bag of Fruit Loops at a Kevin Love charity event supporting children with multiple sclerosis.

We contacted Derrick Williams for a comment on changing his last name, and he sounded as if he was being held hostage by his publicist. Derrick was yelling “WHY CAN’T I JUST CHANGE MY FIRST NAME TO DERON!? THAT DUDE IS FIRE!”

By Kyle Simon

Dion Waiters on Trading Block


Things keep getting worse and worse for the Cleveland Cavilers. We all know LeBron ditched the Cavs when he made his decision to live a much happier life on the water in Miami a few years ago, and how could you blame him? Prior to this season things started to look on the bright side for the Cavaliers franchise. Kyrie was coming into his own, they signed Jarret Jack, and they got the first pick of the draft when they selected a 30 pound overweight Anthony Bennett who is shooting somewhere around -.500% If that’s a thing. Since the team has gotten off to a 4-11 start, owner Dan Gilbert is looking to make a move, and apparently the person to blame isn’t Mike Brown who abuses Andrew Bynum more than any of Django’s previous owners. The man who is rumored to be on trading block is Dion Waiters, a shooting guard, who hasn’t done much to hurt the team.

Following his 24 point night against LeBron and the Heat at home on Thanksgiving Eve, owner Dan Gilbert grabbed Dion and brought him to skid row in Cleveland. Apparently Mr. Gilbert was upset that Waiters “wasn’t LeBron” so he offered Waiters to anybody who was willing to guess what team LeBron James plays for, but nobody could guess it right, so Gilbert screamed “The Heat, you idiots! Like the stuff you want really really badly, that you can’t afford, and can’t have!”

All of the homeless people were stunned at the demise of Dan Gilbert happening right in front of them, so they decided to make him a cup of soup. As Gilbert began to gather himself on the sidewalk, he took a sip of the warm delicious soup and apologized for his behavior. Gilbert grabbed Waiters and asked his limo driver for a piece of cardboard and a sharpie. The driver had to drive to a convenient store because he didn’t have either thing, so thirty minutes later he came back with the necessary materials for Gilbert to make a sign to put on Waiters. The sign said “Will play basketball 4 money. Contact for trade info. Happy Thanksgiving.”

By Kyle Simon