FIFA: 2026 World Cup To Be Held In Qatar Again


It was announced today that the 2026 FIFA World Cup will be held in Qatar. The country famous for their rich soccer history, will be granted another World Cup, not long after being awarded the competition in 2022. Every soccer fan around the world cheered and celebrated as humble FIFA President Sepp Blatter made the announcement.

Just as the winning bid was made public, representatives from other inferior soccer countries like Spain, France, Germany, Argentina, Italy, USA, Holland, Belgium, Uruguay, Brazil, Portugal, Chile, Mexico, and England gleefully shook hands with representatives from Qatar, the first country that comes to mind when anybody thinks of soccer.  The representatives from Qatar then jumped for joy as they made their way to the stage to rightfully accept their winning bid.

“I think we can all agree that between the relatively cool climate, the brilliant football legacy, and the completely legal labor practices that will go into the construction of the stadiums, giving Qatar back-to-back World Cups just makes sense.” Blatter stated. FIFA are also looking forward to the 2030 World Cup, where it seems countries like Qatar are favorites to win the bid for soccer’s biggest tournament.

by Danny Dagorn


Kevin Love Leaving Team USA To Focus More On Leaving Minnesota


Star forward/center Kevin Love has announced that he will not be a part of Team USA for the upcoming FIBA Basketball World Cup, leaving a big hole on the roster. Love was originally on the roster, but decided that he had too much to focus on, like not wanting to play for his current team, the Minnesota Timberwolves. “I’m not playing for Team USA in September. I really should be focusing on not playing for Minnesota. What do you guys expect from me?” Love said in an interview early this morning. “This decision is a hard one, but it will be better if I leave Team USA to put all my energy into leaving the Timberwolves.”

Not only is Kevin Love expected to leave Team USA and the Timberwolves, but he has a few other things that he wants to focus on leaving as well. “I’m leaving my girlfriend. I’m leaving my insurance company. I’m thinking about leaving my bank. There are just a lot of things I need to leave after leaving Team USA.”

Kevin will be taking some time off, but sure enough sooner or later he will get right back to leaving as soon as possible. “When you make too many commitments, it really sucks. Leaving everything is just easier.” Midway through the interview, Love left without even giving reporters a chance to write anything down. “Yeah I’m leaving, sorry guys.” Love said.

by Danny Dagorn

World Cup Update: USA Beats Portugal!


We all knew it was coming! Finally, the United States Men’s National Team has accomplished the impossible and advanced in the FIFA World Cup in Brazil. Sunday night, the “Group of Death” didn’t seem so bad when forward Clint Dempsey put in the game winner at the 81st minute of the game against Portugal. It was absolutely incredible.

Now I turned the game off at the 92nd minute, but I’m sure we totally won. There’s literally no way that we could have blown the lead that late into the game.  I can’t believe how great the United States played. The USMNT took advantage of a flawed Portugal side, and exploited every crack in their defense. By the end of the game it looked like Portugal might have a slight chance to snatch a second goal, but I turned the game off because I felt that there was zero chance of us fucking up on the last play of the game.The good ol’ Red, White, and Blue finally have a system in place to win soccer games, and we are on to the next round of the World Cup.

Watching soccer (football) can be so rewarding, and the U.S. Men’s National Team has inspired a nation with their win on Sunday night in Manaus. Now we have to focus on Germany, but after beating Portugal, I’d say that we have a pretty good shot at winning. Good job guys! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

by Danny Dagorn

28 Players Picked For USA Basketball Roster, Selections Make No Sense

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USA Basketball has announced their 28-man pool that will be used for the 2014 World Cup of Basketball and the 2016 Olympics.  After the announcement this morning, basketball fans everywhere have been voicing their frustrations with the roster.  The selections are slightly disappointing to say the least.

Many all-star favorites like Russell Westbrook, Stephen Curry, and Lebron James are on the list.  Other great players like Kevin Durant and Carmelo Anthony have also made the pool.  But, some of the guys selected for Team USA will confuse the fuck out of any basketball fan.  Along with some high-caliber talent, a bunch of strange and unusual players were picked to play.

One of the players selected is actor Rob Schneider from Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo, and Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.  Steve Harvey also managed to snag a spot on the roster despite his age and mustache.  Fans were also disappointed with the selection of Randy Jackson, former judge on American Idol, and Danilo Gallinari, a player who is not from the United States and has a torn ACL.  The real surprise came with the selection of George Borsky, a janitor at Lower Merion High School who has chronic knee pain and tendinitis in his ankles.

Keep in mind that some of these players may be cut or replaced before the competitions, but for now here is the current list of United States players as it stands today:

  • Kevin Durant
  • Lebron James
  • Rob Schneider
  • Stephen Curry
  • Kevin Love
  • George Borsky
  • Russell Westbrook
  • Randy Jackson
  • Mo Rocca
  • Danilo Gallinari
  • Carmelo Anthony
  • Bernard Madoff
  • Anthony Bennett
  • DJ Jazzy Phil
  • Steve Harvey
  • Steve Harvey’s Wife
  • Tim Allen
  • Boo (the dog)
  • Alan Rickman
  • Steve Harvey’s Ex-Wife
  • Tiger
  • Orson Welles
  • Dave Matthews
  • James Harden
  • LaMarcus Aldridge
  • Franklin D. Roosevelt
  • Ron Jeremy
  • Blake Griffin

by Danny Dagorn