Gordon Hayward Loses Ten Straight Games Of Jenga

It wasn’t a pretty sight.  Tuesday night Gordon Hayward had the game of his life against the Oklahoma City Thunder.  He had 37 points, 11 rebounds, and 7 assists in a solid win for the Utah Jazz.  Now when I say “it wasn’t a pretty sight”, I’m not referring to the basketball game.  No, the carnage was done much later that night when the Jazz decided to take an easy night and relax with a good old fashioned game of Jenga.

According to our reporter Anna Sheeps, the baby-faced shooting guard really wanted to play Jenga back at his house after the game.  A few of his teammates were very skeptical, considering that the last time the whole team gathered at Gordon’s house, the night ended with Hayward singing karaoke by himself and eventually trying to convince Enes Kanter to play Guitar Hero 2 with him.  Despite past experiences, the Jazz teammates decided to go to Gordon’s house after he promised to make hot pockets and tuna sandwiches for everybody.

The whole team arrived at Hayward’s around 12:30 am.  Once inside, Gordon grabbed the Jenga box and put it on his kitchen table.  Then he began setting it up, hoping that anybody would challenge him.  Luckily, the rookie Trey Burke stepped up to challenge his incredibly pale teammate.  Little did Gordon know, Burke was about to dominate the Jenga tower.

Both players took a turn removing a wooden tile from the tower and cleverly placing it back.  The tower became less and less stable until Gordon finally pulled the tile that knocked the rest to the ground.  At first he laughed it off, acting as if he hadn’t spent four days practicing the perfect tile-pulling strategy.  However, all of the practice in the world couldn’t help the poor lad.  Gordon would go on to lose ten straight games to Burke.  Each loss made Hayward’s Jenga idea seem worse and worse.  He was so upset that he turned to drinking heavily for the rest of the night, which for Hayward, is just drinking three bottles of Sunny Delight.

By Danny Dagorn

Cavaliers Looking To Trade Andrew Bynum For A SodaStream

It’s tough times for the Cleveland Cavaliers right now.  A team that once had high playoff hopes is now sitting at 10-21 with no chemistry and a wasted first pick in last year’s draft. (Anthony Bennett is averaging just 2.6 points and 2 rebounds per game).  Things have gone from bad to worse recently when the gambling, stripper-loving, dumbass Andrew Bynum, was suspended indefinitely for actions detrimental to the team.  Now Cavs general manager Chris Grant is shopping around, trying to find trade value for Bynum.  As it turns out, there isn’t much value at all.  However, as of this morning, things are starting to look up for the Cavaliers’ staff and players.

It has been reported by our own Fish Nelson, that the Los Angeles Lakers have an offer on the table for Cleveland.  Supposedly there is a SodaStream somewhere in the Lakers break room that Cavs owner Dan Gilbert has had his eye on for some time.  Aware of Gilbert’s envy for the carbonating soda machine, Lakers general manager Mitch Kupchak called the Cavs organization and made an offer that would satisfy both sides involved.  The Lakers would get the rights to center Andrew Bynum, therefore being able to pair him up with Pau Gasol for entertainment and great failure.  The Cavaliers would get the coveted SodaSteam, a home carbonation product that allows you to turn water into any of your favorite cola beverages.

The trade is still being negotiated and the Cavs organization are still open to other SodaStream-related offers.  As long as you have a SodaStream, you might be able to trade it in for a seven-foot center with knee/mental issues.  The Utah Jazz have reportedly offered Cleveland two SodaStreams and guard Gordon Hayward for center Anderson Varejao.  It’s a weird deal but the SodaStream is pretty great.  Look out for more reports of SodaStream offers for the Cavaliers.

By Danny Dagorn