Carlos Boozer and Robert Sacre to Star in New “Parent Trap” Remake

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The Los Angeles Lakers have had a very disappointing start to their 2014-2015 season. They currently are 6-16 and it doesn’t look like that record is going to improve anytime soon. Fortunately, they finally have some good news.

According to our sources, Walt Disney CEO, Bob Iger, approached the Lakers with the idea to remake the classic family comedy, “The Parent Trap”, with two of their prominent players, Carlos Boozer and Robert Sacre. “I’m gonna be completely honest with you, at first I thought they were the same goddamn person,” Iger commented, “And to be completely honest a second time, half the time I still can’t tell which one is which, but I’m very excited about this project. For a long time, we wanted to remake [The Parent Trap], but never could find the right mix of people. Disney believes that it has found its long sought after winning combination… well not winning at basketball, but you get what I mean.”

Boozer and Sacre are very much committed to the role of long lost twins who both eat oreos with peanut butter. And surprisingly, one of them will actually be speaking with a British accent. I’m just not sure which one.

“I guess this is what happens when you move to Hollywood,” says Boozer or Sacre (it was very difficult to interview them individually because they are both method actors). “I am very excited to join Michael Jordan and Kevin Durant as basketball players who have starred in popular basketball movies. The new ‘Parent Trap’ will be this generation’s ‘Space Jam’. Lindsay Lohan aint shit.”

The Lakers could not be more thrilled about this opportunity. Many fans want the Lakers to have a terrible season in the hopes for a high draft pick. Even Hall-of-famer Magic Johnson agrees saying, “I hope the Lakers lose every game.” Having two players completely out of the equation definitely increases their chances of having a terrible season.

It was also reported that Dennis Quaid will be reprising his role as the father and Rosie Perez will be replacing Natasha Richardson as the mother.

 

by Josh Kastner

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Steve Nash to Sport New Body Cast For Halloween This Year

 

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Just as things were looking brighter for veteran point guard Steve Nash, his season was quickly over in a flash. The 79 year-old (actually 40) was ruled out for the remainder of the 2014-2015 Lakers season for sustaining another back injury. As heartbreaking as it must be for the fans of the former MVP, Nash is actually having fun with it this Halloween.

This Halloween Steve Nash will be handing out candy on Trick-or-Treat night, despite being in a full body cast, writhing in pain from a number of ailments. “I think of it as my costume this year.” Nash murmured through the hole in his head cast. “Since I can’t play this season, I figured I’d give back to the kids and hand out some candy. Well, actually my nurse hands it out to them. I can’t move my arms.”

So even though we won’t see Nash suit up in a Lakers jersey this season, local fans on Halloween night can see him suited up in a body cast. Nash is hoping for it to be one spooky night. “Yeah I’m having my house set up like it’s haunted. Kids will come in an see the decorations. Then they’ll see me and probably think I’m a dead body, but really it’s just their favorite player Steve Nash. I hope it’s scary.” We’ll see how receptive Lakers fans will be of Steve Nash’s makeshift haunted house. It’s certainly going to be interesting, especially considering Nash still hasn’t chosen which type of candy to distribute. “Do kids still like Whoppers?” Nash asked.

by Danny Dagorn

Jeremy Lin Gets Lost In Los Angeles Bed Bath & Beyond

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On a warm afternoon this week, Jeremy Lin decided to take a trip to a local Bed, Bath & Beyond in LA to buy a humidifier for his new apartment. Lin, having just moved to Los Angeles after being traded from Houston, felt his new apartment was a bit dry and needed to take care of the situation as soon as possible. Jeremy figured that Bed, Bath & Beyond was a good option to find top of the line apartment needs, but what he didn’t anticipate was the amount of confusion and suffering he would have to go through to find a simple humidifier.

Getting to the store was the easy part for Lin. “I just typed in “Bed Beth and Beyond” into my phone’s GPS and sure enough there was one like right down the street from my apartment.” Getting out of the store was a whole other problem. “Once I was inside the store, I made my way past the ‘As Seen on TV’ section and past the wall full of drapes. Then I looked around and had no idea where I was anymore.” Lin said. The Laker point guard looked around for help but he couldn’t even find his way out of a maze of pillow accessories. “At one point I just screamed for help and still nobody was around. I started to worry.”

After walking around aimlessly for 28 minutes by the ‘Back to College’ aisle, Lin called it quits. “I gave up. The humidifier wasn’t even worth it anymore. I was scared for my life and just wanted to get out.” Lin retraced his steps, found the exit door, and sprinted out of the Bed, Bath and Beyond. He then made his way back to his studio apartment and ordered a deluxe humidifier from Amazon. It looks like Jeremy Lin will have to deal with his dry apartment for another week or so. “Yeah I don’t have Amazon Prime, so the delivery will take a bit longer” Lin stated.

by Danny Dagorn

Chris Kaman Dies On The Bench

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It’s a sad story.  Last night the Lakers played the Cavaliers in what had to be one of the most pathetic games that the NBA community has ever seen.  The Los Angeles Lakers, who were extremely short-handed, managed to dominate the horrible Cleveland Cavaliers.  LA only had eight players available, which eventually dwindled down to four after two players got injured, and two more fouled out. (Robert Sacre fouled out but eventually had to return to the game because the Lakers needed five players on the court.  It was a mess.)

Sure, the game was a real tragedy, but it doesn’t compare to the tragedy of Chris Kaman.  After fouling out of the game early in the fourth quarter, Kaman went to the bench.  He then decided to lay down on all of the chairs on the sideline.  Everyone in the stadium looked very confused as they saw Kaman sprawled out on the Lakers bench.  Lakers coach Mike D’Antoni looked over at the tall, white mass and just shrugged it off.  Let’s face it, with this Lakers season, nothing surprises D’Antoni at this point.  Little did D’Antoni know, Chris Kaman was dead.

That’s right.  Dead.  Once the gentle giant laid down, he immediately passed away.  Nobody is certain why he died but when our reporter Anna Sheeps asked teammate Steve Nash about Kaman’s untimely passing, Nash responded with two words, “locos tacos.”  The NBA is still mourning the sad death of one of basketball’s true legends.  Earlier today the rock icon Bono made an announcement that there will be a tribute concert to the late Chris Kaman.  The concert series will be called “Live Chris”.

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Bono announcing “Live Chris”

“Live Chris” will feature some of Kaman’s favorite bands like Kansas and Nine Inch Nails.  The event will be held later this year.  Metta World Peace is expected to perform a duet with a drunk Dennis Rodman.

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RIP Chris Kaman (1825-2014)

by Danny Dagorn

 

 

 

Cavaliers Looking To Trade Andrew Bynum For A SodaStream

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It’s tough times for the Cleveland Cavaliers right now.  A team that once had high playoff hopes is now sitting at 10-21 with no chemistry and a wasted first pick in last year’s draft. (Anthony Bennett is averaging just 2.6 points and 2 rebounds per game).  Things have gone from bad to worse recently when the gambling, stripper-loving, dumbass Andrew Bynum, was suspended indefinitely for actions detrimental to the team.  Now Cavs general manager Chris Grant is shopping around, trying to find trade value for Bynum.  As it turns out, there isn’t much value at all.  However, as of this morning, things are starting to look up for the Cavaliers’ staff and players.

It has been reported by our own Fish Nelson, that the Los Angeles Lakers have an offer on the table for Cleveland.  Supposedly there is a SodaStream somewhere in the Lakers break room that Cavs owner Dan Gilbert has had his eye on for some time.  Aware of Gilbert’s envy for the carbonating soda machine, Lakers general manager Mitch Kupchak called the Cavs organization and made an offer that would satisfy both sides involved.  The Lakers would get the rights to center Andrew Bynum, therefore being able to pair him up with Pau Gasol for entertainment and great failure.  The Cavaliers would get the coveted SodaSteam, a home carbonation product that allows you to turn water into any of your favorite cola beverages.

The trade is still being negotiated and the Cavs organization are still open to other SodaStream-related offers.  As long as you have a SodaStream, you might be able to trade it in for a seven-foot center with knee/mental issues.  The Utah Jazz have reportedly offered Cleveland two SodaStreams and guard Gordon Hayward for center Anderson Varejao.  It’s a weird deal but the SodaStream is pretty great.  Look out for more reports of SodaStream offers for the Cavaliers.

By Danny Dagorn

Kobe Bryant Refuses to Play Until Chris Kaman is Waived

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Playing for the Los Angeles Lakers is a huge milestone in any professional basketball player’s career.  Great names like Wilt Chamberlain, Magic Johnson, and Shaquille O’Neal have all worn the yellow and purple jersey with pride and determination.  Superstar Kobe Bryant has that determination and certainly knows what it takes to impress a Los Angeles audience that is constantly hungry for championships.  The Lakers, however, are hitting an all-time low with the roster that they have in place and Kobe is not having it.

When asked at a practice on Friday about the team’s playoff chances, a frustrated Bryant gave an unexpected answer.  “Chris Kaman is on this team.  We can’t even be thinking about the playoffs while he is still on this roster.  Every time I look to my side he’s there.  I gave him a twenty and told him to get the hell out of Los Angeles, but he’s still here!  He smells like eight different types of ass and nobody wants to guard him during practice!”

Kobe is now refusing to play until Lakers management cuts Chris Kaman from the team.  LA fans have been waiting for the star to make his return from his achilles injury, but it looks like they will have to wait even longer.  Kaman made a statement earlier today about the locker room tension between he and Bryant, but his caveman-like language left our reporter Fish Nelson very confused.

With five championships under his belt, it’s safe to say that the Black Mamba knows what a winning basketball player looks like.  Chris Kaman is not that type of player by any means.  Will the Lakers waive Chris Kaman or will Kobe Bryant sit on the sidelines for the remainder of the season?  One thing is for certain though.  Coach Mike D’Antoni has his work cut out for him.

by Danny Dagorn