Mike Dunleavy Jr. Writes Caesar Salad Cookbook

Everyone knows how difficult it is to make a caesar salad. First you have to look up the ingredients, then go to the grocery store to buy them. Basketball player Mike Dunleavy Jr. knows your pain, that’s why this holiday season he will be releasing his first ever book, “How to Make a Caesar Salad by Mike Dunleavy Jr.”

We know what you’re thinking, “Mike Dunleavy Jr. is a basketball player, why the hell should I trust his culinary skills?” First off, before Mike played basketball at Duke, he was accepted to go to culinary school at Johnson and Whales. However, before accepting their scholarship, his father Mike Dunleavy Sr., a famous basketball coach, told Mike if he went through with culinary school, he’d put his son’s nuts through a meat grinder.

Ever since his dream was crushed by his dad’s wishes, Mike has secretly spent every offseason hiding out in various restaurant establishments across the country, including Applebees, and Bob Evans restaurants. In his new cook book, Mike talks about the many different chefs he met during each offseason, and details all the many recipes his chef friends have taught him about making the perfect caesar salad along the way.

We asked Mike Dunleavy Sr. about what he thinks of his son’s cookbook, and he replied, “if you buy my son’s book, you’re pretty much burning money.” The book will hit stores right in time for the holiday, and will provide the reader with over 200 pages of different ways to make a caesar salad, so you can show off to your friends and family during the holidays.

 

by Kyle Simon

Steve Nash to Sport New Body Cast For Halloween This Year

 

Just as things were looking brighter for veteran point guard Steve Nash, his season was quickly over in a flash. The 79 year-old (actually 40) was ruled out for the remainder of the 2014-2015 Lakers season for sustaining another back injury. As heartbreaking as it must be for the fans of the former MVP, Nash is actually having fun with it this Halloween.

This Halloween Steve Nash will be handing out candy on Trick-or-Treat night, despite being in a full body cast, writhing in pain from a number of ailments. “I think of it as my costume this year.” Nash murmured through the hole in his head cast. “Since I can’t play this season, I figured I’d give back to the kids and hand out some candy. Well, actually my nurse hands it out to them. I can’t move my arms.”

So even though we won’t see Nash suit up in a Lakers jersey this season, local fans on Halloween night can see him suited up in a body cast. Nash is hoping for it to be one spooky night. “Yeah I’m having my house set up like it’s haunted. Kids will come in an see the decorations. Then they’ll see me and probably think I’m a dead body, but really it’s just their favorite player Steve Nash. I hope it’s scary.” We’ll see how receptive Lakers fans will be of Steve Nash’s makeshift haunted house. It’s certainly going to be interesting, especially considering Nash still hasn’t chosen which type of candy to distribute. “Do kids still like Whoppers?” Nash asked.

by Danny Dagorn

Lucky Fan Goes Home With Piece of Paul George’s Fibula

Friday was a tragic day for basketball fans everywhere when Paul George, a member of the Indiana Pacers and the US men’s national basketball team, broke his leg in the most gruesome of fashions during the US Men’s basketball showcase game. The members of Team USA looked on in horror as the all star guard/forward took quite the tumble and basically split his leg in half. (If you’re squeamish, we recommend not Googling the images of his leg.)

Almost everyone in the building was in shock, except for one lucky fan who got a surprise at the end of the night. Garrett Paulson, a dedicated Pacers fan, was in attendance on Friday for the showcase. When George went down it was a hard pill to swallow for Paulson, but his night wouldn’t end in dismay. The Pacers fan noticed when he looked down that a piece of bone was laying on the floor by his shoe. Paulson knew that there were no chicken wings being sold at the concession stand, so it had to be a bone from something else.

When the injury occurred, a piece of George’s leg flung into the stands without anyone realizing what had happened. As medics searched around the court for the missing piece of fibula, Paulson realized what was by his seat. Paulson then quietly grabbed the bone and put it in his back pocket before fleeing the arena. He is currently making a Paul George shrine in his basement. Paul George’s recovery time now depends on whether or not Garrett Paulson will give back the piece of bone, however, it doesn’t seem likely.

by Danny Dagorn

Blake Griffin Will Not Play for Team USA to Focus on Acting

All-Star forward for the Los Angeles Clippers, Blake Griffin will not be joining the USA Basketball team in Spain this summer. According to his agent, Scott Van Scottenstein, “Blake wants to focus and dedicate 100 percent of his energy on improving his acting skills for his many sponsors.” While Griffin easily had his best basketball season averaging career highs 24.1 ppg, 9.5 rpg, 3.9 apg,, he was not satisfied with acting in only 287 Subway commercials, 134 Nike commercials, and 4,399 Kia a.k.a Griffinforce commercials.

Griffin would also like to take his talents to Broadway. This makes it seems like he would like to play for New York Knicks, but he actually wants to act in Broadway musicals and plays. Blake commented, “I would absolutely love to bask in the bright lights, dance to a choreographed number in costume, and belt out high notes, just like my idol, Liza Minnelli.”

There have also been claims that some Clipper’s players will be boycotting the team while it’s under the controversial ownership of Donald Sterling. One of those players, All-Star guard Chris Paul, commented on Blake Griffin’s aspirations. “Blake is like a brother to me. Hey even my kid loves him! But this Broadway shit is crazy. He might as well play for that racist old bastard.”

By Josh Kastner

Kevin Love Leaving Team USA To Focus More On Leaving Minnesota

Star forward/center Kevin Love has announced that he will not be a part of Team USA for the upcoming FIBA Basketball World Cup, leaving a big hole on the roster. Love was originally on the roster, but decided that he had too much to focus on, like not wanting to play for his current team, the Minnesota Timberwolves. “I’m not playing for Team USA in September. I really should be focusing on not playing for Minnesota. What do you guys expect from me?” Love said in an interview early this morning. “This decision is a hard one, but it will be better if I leave Team USA to put all my energy into leaving the Timberwolves.”

Not only is Kevin Love expected to leave Team USA and the Timberwolves, but he has a few other things that he wants to focus on leaving as well. “I’m leaving my girlfriend. I’m leaving my insurance company. I’m thinking about leaving my bank. There are just a lot of things I need to leave after leaving Team USA.”

Kevin will be taking some time off, but sure enough sooner or later he will get right back to leaving as soon as possible. “When you make too many commitments, it really sucks. Leaving everything is just easier.” Midway through the interview, Love left without even giving reporters a chance to write anything down. “Yeah I’m leaving, sorry guys.” Love said.

by Danny Dagorn

Jeremy Lin Gets Lost In Los Angeles Bed Bath & Beyond

On a warm afternoon this week, Jeremy Lin decided to take a trip to a local Bed, Bath & Beyond in LA to buy a humidifier for his new apartment. Lin, having just moved to Los Angeles after being traded from Houston, felt his new apartment was a bit dry and needed to take care of the situation as soon as possible. Jeremy figured that Bed, Bath & Beyond was a good option to find top of the line apartment needs, but what he didn’t anticipate was the amount of confusion and suffering he would have to go through to find a simple humidifier.

Getting to the store was the easy part for Lin. “I just typed in “Bed Beth and Beyond” into my phone’s GPS and sure enough there was one like right down the street from my apartment.” Getting out of the store was a whole other problem. “Once I was inside the store, I made my way past the ‘As Seen on TV’ section and past the wall full of drapes. Then I looked around and had no idea where I was anymore.” Lin said. The Laker point guard looked around for help but he couldn’t even find his way out of a maze of pillow accessories. “At one point I just screamed for help and still nobody was around. I started to worry.”

After walking around aimlessly for 28 minutes by the ‘Back to College’ aisle, Lin called it quits. “I gave up. The humidifier wasn’t even worth it anymore. I was scared for my life and just wanted to get out.” Lin retraced his steps, found the exit door, and sprinted out of the Bed, Bath and Beyond. He then made his way back to his studio apartment and ordered a deluxe humidifier from Amazon. It looks like Jeremy Lin will have to deal with his dry apartment for another week or so. “Yeah I don’t have Amazon Prime, so the delivery will take a bit longer” Lin stated.

by Danny Dagorn

Lebron Remembers That He Now Has To Live In Cleveland Again, Regrets Everything

Friday, July 11th, 2014 will forever be known as the day that Lebron James made his decision to sign with the Cleveland Cavaliers, instead of re-signing with the Miami Heat. Returning to his home state of Ohio felt like the right move on Friday, but now it seems that King James is having second thoughts about everything. Lebron is realizing that returning to Cleveland means that he will actually have to, well, live in Cleveland.

Today James addressed the media on his shocking decision, however it was Lebron that looked just as shocked as anyone else. “Cleveland man. This place has uh…a great culture. I mean, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is pretty cool, right? What else, what else.” Lebron stared into space as he realized the inevitable. He was now stuck in Cleveland, Ohio. “What am I doing?” James quietly asked himself as he looked up at the ceiling. “I was literally at the beach a week ago.”

At one point during the press conference Lebron remembered his old home in gorgeous Miami and started to cry. “Yup. Cleveland is great.” James muttered as he put his head down on the table and wept. It seems that everyone in Ohio, except Lebron will be excited for a new season of NBA basketball this year.

by Danny Dagorn

New Contracts Land McRoberts and Frye Leased Hondas

NBA free agency has been pretty lackluster since the floodgates opened with free agents like Carmelo Anthony and LeBron James still mulling their offers. Only bottom of the barrel free agents have signed on with new teams, like Channing Frye, who signed with the Magic for $30 million, while Josh McRoberts (white) signed for $25 million with the reigning eastern conference champions the Miami Heat. Following their signings yesterday, both players met up at a Honda dealer in Florida, where they each leased a Honda CRV, to celebrate their ridiculously overpaid contracts.

McRoberts, who has never averaged over 10 points in a full season in the NBA, was shocked to learn that Channing Frye had never driven a Honda before, and told him he was in for a treat. After pulling out of the dealership, Frye smashed his car into a bicyclist, and fled the scene before the biker got up. Frye followed McRoberts into an abandoned parking lot, where McRoberts calmed Frye down by telling him not to worry, considering they both just got paid.

The two picked up beer, and McRoberts called his future teammate, Danny Granger, who was busy exchanging change for cash at the local TD bank, considering his lousy $2 million dollar deal wasn’t as much as he hoped for. Frye on the other hand found himself invited to Epcot where he was supposed to meet his new teammate Victor Oladipo, who was a no show after he was arrested for punching Minnie Mouse in the face.

By Kyle Simon

Damian Lillard Revealed To Be A Machine

Damian Lillard has been playing like a mad person. He is proving to be one of the best point guards in the NBA and now, during the playoffs, he is showing his unbelievable star potential. His Portland Trailblazers just defeated the favorited Houston Rockets in the first round and it’s all thanks to his clutch performances. The games were intense and competitive, but it was Damian Lillard’s buzzer beater 3 point shot with 0.9 seconds left in game 6 that sent the Rockets packing. Everyone in the Moda Center went crazy, especially Lillard himself.

Once Lillard hit the series-winning shot, he looked as if he was starting to go haywire. And he was. Soon enough he started to twitch and shake frantically.  His teammates looked concerned and although the moment was supposed to be a happy one, it turned very quickly into a horrifyingly shocking situation. “He hit the shot and we were all fired up. I couldn’t believe that we just won, but then  something was off about Damian” teammate Robin Lopez stated.

The star point guard started to quickly make his way to the locker room, but it was Houston Rockets forward Chandler Parsons that revealed the truth about Lillard before he could get away from the spotlight. Parsons tackled Lillard and started pulling at Lillard’s skin until he felt it tear. Fans, players, and coaches all looked terrified as Chandler Parsons stood in the Moda Center holding half of Damian’s face. However, it wasn’t real skin. It was synthetic. And when Lillard stood up to defend himself, he revealed that he was, in fact, a machine.

Now it makes sense. This prototypical all-star basketball player, was actually a prototype. His freakish athleticism, skill, and shooting ability is now completely understandable. Damian Lillard aka KR-7574, has not been seen since the post-game mishap and is rumored to be gathering all machine clones to begin the judgement day process. Everyone reading this should probably board up, and prepare for the end. The Portland Trailblazers will have to start Earl Watson from now on.

by Danny Dagorn

Barkhad Abdi Kidnapped Rockets Player Patrick Beverley

Barkhad Abdi, the evil Somali pirate who kidnapped TOM HANKS in “Captain Philips,” is in the news again, and this time its for kidnapping somebody in real life. Following his loss at the Academy Awards, Abdi reportedly became severely depressed, and moved to Houston to escape the limelight. Unfortunately, his decision to move to Houston turned out to be a bad one, because people supposedly thought he was Houston Rockets starting point guard Patrick Beverley. Abdi reportedly couldn’t take the harassment anymore, so he kidnapped Beverley.

Abdi’s Mugshot

Abdi, a former limo driver, didn’t feel safe in Houston, so he drove himself and Beverley all the way up to Oklahoma City, without knowing that Beverley’s Rockets were ironically in town playing the Thunder. According to Beverley, Abdi kept saying “If I can kidnap Tom Hanks and get paid for it, then its okay for me to kidnap my look alike.” Upon reaching a rest stop, Abdi left Beverley in the car alone while he went inside to buy a few packs of Fig Newtons.

Beverley remained calm, and decided to smash his face through the window of the Limo, breaking the glass, and freeing himself from Abdi. Beverley immediately contacted the police, who brought him to Chesapeake Energy Arena, right before game time. Unfortunately Beverley’s face was all bruised, so he had to wear a face mask. The police found Abdi passed out in the limo, with ten empty wrappers of Fig Newton’s spread out all over the front seat. Abdi is currently facing charges of kidnapping, and will most definitely be seeing prison time, just like the ending of “Captain Phillips.”

Beverley Wearing a Mask Against the Thunder