FIFA: 2026 World Cup To Be Held In Qatar Again

It was announced today that the 2026 FIFA World Cup will be held in Qatar. The country famous for their rich soccer history, will be granted another World Cup, not long after being awarded the competition in 2022. Every soccer fan around the world cheered and celebrated as humble FIFA President Sepp Blatter made the announcement.

Just as the winning bid was made public, representatives from other inferior soccer countries like Spain, France, Germany, Argentina, Italy, USA, Holland, Belgium, Uruguay, Brazil, Portugal, Chile, Mexico, and England gleefully shook hands with representatives from Qatar, the first country that comes to mind when anybody thinks of soccer.  The representatives from Qatar then jumped for joy as they made their way to the stage to rightfully accept their winning bid.

“I think we can all agree that between the relatively cool climate, the brilliant football legacy, and the completely legal labor practices that will go into the construction of the stadiums, giving Qatar back-to-back World Cups just makes sense.” Blatter stated. FIFA are also looking forward to the 2030 World Cup, where it seems countries like Qatar are favorites to win the bid for soccer’s biggest tournament.

by Danny Dagorn

Landon Donovan’s Hair to Retire From Head

One of the most dominant forces in MLS history is calling it quits at the end of 2014. That’s right, Landon Donovan’s hair is finally receding to the point of no return, and by the end of the MLS season, it, along with Donovan himself, will be retiring after a longish career. Donovan’s hair made a statement to the public last week about leaving:

“It’s been a nice ride, but there comes a time when you have to look at yourself in the mirror and accept the inevitable. I’m leaving and clearly, as you can see, my time is coming to an end. I’ll always have these memories of the MLS and of the US National Team and I can say that I have no regrets…not even when I was blonde back in 2000.”

Landon Donovan even spoke about how he will miss the LA Galaxy games, the players, the competition, and of course, his own hair. “I always thought that we would have more time together, but it doesn’t seem like that will be the case.” Donovan stated about his hair. “Look at this hairline. It’s pretty bad.”

by Danny Dagorn

 

World Cup Update: Luis Suarez Still A Vampire

Luis Suarez is at it again. The extremely talented Uruguayan striker has bitten off more than he can chew, literally. In an intense game between Uruguay and Italy on Tuesday, Suarez decided to unleash his inner vampire and bite yet another helpless victim. This time the innocent victim, or as Suarez puts it, the “delicious treat,” was defender Giorgio Chiellini of Italy.

In the second half of the World Cup clash, there was a small scuffle between Suarez and Chiellini. At first it looked like a harmless foul, but upon closer review it was revealed that the vampiric Luis Suarez had bitten yet another opponent. This is Suarez’s third biting incident in his soccer (football) career. (See TurnoverSport’s first Suarez-Vampire article here) It is very evident that we must now prepare ourselves for more vampire attacks like this one.

At this rate the blood-sucking Dracula of a soccer player will strike again, and perhaps he will bring out more creatures like himself. This poses a lot of questions for not only FIFA, but also civilization. Can Suarez control his urge to feast on blood? Did he feel threatened by Chiellini because the Italians possibly smelled of pasta and garlic? Is the whole population of Uruguay just vampires? Where is Blade? All we can do is pray that the Uruguayan striker spares us of his violent hunger.

by Danny Dagorn

World Cup Update: USA Beats Portugal!

We all knew it was coming! Finally, the United States Men’s National Team has accomplished the impossible and advanced in the FIFA World Cup in Brazil. Sunday night, the “Group of Death” didn’t seem so bad when forward Clint Dempsey put in the game winner at the 81st minute of the game against Portugal. It was absolutely incredible.

Now I turned the game off at the 92nd minute, but I’m sure we totally won. There’s literally no way that we could have blown the lead that late into the game.  I can’t believe how great the United States played. The USMNT took advantage of a flawed Portugal side, and exploited every crack in their defense. By the end of the game it looked like Portugal might have a slight chance to snatch a second goal, but I turned the game off because I felt that there was zero chance of us fucking up on the last play of the game.The good ol’ Red, White, and Blue finally have a system in place to win soccer games, and we are on to the next round of the World Cup.

Watching soccer (football) can be so rewarding, and the U.S. Men’s National Team has inspired a nation with their win on Sunday night in Manaus. Now we have to focus on Germany, but after beating Portugal, I’d say that we have a pretty good shot at winning. Good job guys! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

by Danny Dagorn

World Cup Update: England to Sport New ‘Game of Thrones’-Themed Jerseys

 

England are a loss away from being bounced from the World Cup. If they don’t pull out a positive result from the Uruguay game later today, then the three lions will be sent packing. After so many disappointing World Cups in the past, England have decided to try a new tactic for once.

With the success of the HBO series Game of Thrones, England will be sporting new alternate jerseys that feature pictures of the characters from the hit show.  Now you can see your favorite English players like Frank Lampard wearing the face of Samwell Tarly, or Daniel Sturridge wearing the face of Jon Snow in hopes that Uruguay get so distracted by the kits that they let a few goals slip by them.

Ghana is even considering another alternate jersey that would display the faces of characters from Orange is the New Black, although most of the players have never even heard of the show. It’s a new style of jersey that Adidas, Nike, and Puma are all looking to capitalize on for the future. Nike have even started a new line of face soccer jerseys entitled the “C-List Celebrity,” where each jersey will feature pictures of celebrities like Tara Reid and Andy Dick. Only time will tell if this new line of athletic wear will last. Hopefully it works out for England.

by Danny Dagorn

 

 

 

 

World Cup Update: Team Australia Forced to Watch ‘Maleficent’ In Hotel Room

 

We’re almost one week in and so far it has been a World Cup to remember. There have been upsets (Costa Rica defeating Uruguay), blowout wins (Germany defeating Portugal 4-0), and just about everything in between. One team in particular will have a tough time at the big tournament in Brazil, and not because of football.

The Australian National Football Team were given some horrific news this morning, while preparing for their game against Holland. The team manager, Ange Postecoglou, received a call around 8:00am from the front desk of the Hotel Ilha do Boi, the hotel in Vitoria, Brazil where the team is staying. Apparently the hotel’s cable service was malfunctioning, and the players were not happy about it. ABC, the broadcasting company televising the World Cup this year, heard about the situation and saw a great marketing opportunity. ABC, owned by Disney, really wanted to promote Maleficent while it’s still in theaters, and decided to take advantage of team Australia’s cable situation. With no cable in the hotel rooms, ABC donated 30 Blu-ray players along with 30 copies of Maleficent on Blu-ray to the Australian squad. They also instructed the hotel employees to play the movie on repeat until the end of the World Cup.

Australia now faces two huge obstacles. The first obstacle is to make it to the next round of the World Cup, which will not be easy considering that both Spain and Holland are in their group. The second obstacle is to maintain their sanity while Angelina Jolie’s face continuously projects on every hotel room television screen. Already labeled as underdogs, the Aussies don’t need any more distractions. Being forced to watch Maleficent is a huge distraction. I mean that movie looks really bad.

by Danny Dagorn

Kevin Garnett Traded To Chelsea FC.

Just look at that picture.  That’s one happy 57 year-old power forward, smiling joyfully in a big blue Chelsea jersey.  Yup, a Chelsea jersey.  Kevin Garnett.  At a soccer stadium.  In a soccer jersey.

This week, while preparing for what may be considered the lamest game of the year, the Brooklyn Nets (15-22) arrived in London, England for an abysmal match-up against the Atlanta Hawks (20-18).  After a long flight from New York to London, Garnett decided to explore the British city while his teammates fell asleep in their hotel rooms.  He was starting to realize how miserable the Brooklyn Nets season has been.

He started his exploration by making his way to a British pub to try some local beer.  To his surprise, head coach Jason Kidd was already in the pub passed out at the bar with eight empty beer glasses by his head.  This was the straw that broke the camel’s back or whatever.  Garnett decided not to help out his alcoholic coach and instead called his agent to set him up with a meeting with Chelsea, the world famous soccer club in London.  “I’m sick of basketball.  I’m sick of Brooklyn.  I’m sick of this shitty season.  I want to be traded to a soccer club!!!”  Garnett screamed at his agent.  “Make it happen!”  KG’s agent, Bill Puhduh, was astonished to get the phone call, but he knew that he had to make his client happy.

Puhduh immediately contacted Jose Mourinho, the high-powered, high-profile manager for Chelsea FC.  “I know this sounds crazy, but my client would really like to play for Chelsea and it would be a stupid and crazy publicity stunt that can work for both of us.” Puhduh stated.  “Let’s work something out.”  Mourinho then contacted the manager of the Nets, Billy King, who was willing to do any trade because of his horrible managerial skills.  The two spoke over the phone for nearly twenty minutes until a deal was struck.  Forwards André Schürrle and Demba Ba of Chelsea will now be playing for the Brooklyn Nets franchise, while Kevin Garnett will now be a part of Chelsea.

It’s confusing and it’s weird, but it happened and now both teams will have to figure out how to fit these new players into their systems.  Garnett made a statement about the trade.  “I couldn’t be happier right now.  I have no idea what the hell I’m doing, but I’m happy.  I had to get away from Brooklyn and that mess.  Now I can live my dream of being the first NBA player to play in the English Premier League.  Fuck yeah!”  The talented german André Schürrle also made a comment on the move to Brooklyn.  “Das ist schrecklich” translating to “This is horrible.”

by Danny Dagorn

Americans Still In Disbelief Of How Attractive Cristiano Ronaldo Is

After many years of dominating the world of European soccer, Portuguese superstar Cristiano Ronaldo hasn’t taken his foot off of the acceleration for one second.  His 2013 has been absolutely spectacular with a total of 69 goals and 17 assists in 60 appearances.  The man’s talent is unquestionable.  His charm and overall attractiveness is also unquestionable.  I mean look at that picture.  Holy shit!  Let’s face it America.  Our athletes will never compare to the Portuguese phenom.  Hot damn.

Recently our field reporters Greg Orlin and Bing Jeeves took to the streets of New York City and showed everyday Americans pictures of Ronaldo.  The results were ridiculous.  People were passing out left and right as soon as their eyes locked on to the tall, dark, and handsome soccer player.  “I showed a picture of him shirtless to a business woman in Times Square, and she fell to the floor shaking and screaming.” Orlin said.  “I went inside a McDonald’s and showed the picture to a family of five and they all immediately dropped their pants and started crying all over their bic macs.” Jeeves added.  Yup, it was chaos.  Everyday Americans aren’t used to their athletes being as attractive as Real Madrid forward Cristiano Ronaldo.  I’ll demonstrate my point by showing examples of the standard athlete seen in popular American sports.

For example…

Good lord.

No.

One more.

So yeah, you can see why the pants were dropping when people saw Ronaldo for the first time.  Seeing him in person must be like seeing a god.  Now it’s completely understandable why this fan ran out on to the field during a game this year just to hug CR7.

Oh the sweet embrace.

By Danny Dagorn

Liverpool Striker Luis Suarez Officially Classified As A Vampire

Luis Suarez can’t stop scoring.  This year the English soccer club Liverpool are serious contenders for the Barclays Premier League title, and with Suarez scoring at the rate that he is now, it seems that they could succeed.  Already the Uruguayan has scored 15 goals in just 10 match appearances.  Defenders are fearful every time they have to compete against him and they have a right to be afraid…really, really afraid.

According to our alcoholic field reporter Bing Jeeves, the Liverpool striker, after multiple tests from the team doctor, has been officially classified as a vampire.  For the longest time managers, scouts, and players have always been curious about the size and sharpness of Suarez’s teeth.  Team captain Steven Gerrard made a comment earlier this week about the recent discovery.  “His teeth don’t look human.  Teeth normally don’t stick out like his do.  There’s also that thing that he does when he bites opponents for no reason.”

The evidence is clear and has been for some time.  Last season during a match against rivals Chelsea, Suarez took a bite out of opposing defender Branislav Ivanovic’s arm.  At the time everyone assumed it was a moment of pure anger, but it seems now that he was just thirsty for blood.

Ivanovic is helpless as Suarez sinks his teeth into his right arm.

Teams around the league are suddenly preparing new ways to face Luis Suarez with the new evidence of his vampiric ways.  Tottenham, who play Liverpool this Sunday, are preparing by filling their pockets with garlic and wearing crosses around their necks.  Hopefully everyone makes it out alive.  Whether it be from Suarez scoring a hat trick, or Suarez sucking the life out of the innocent, at least Liverpool fans will get a great show.

by Danny Dagorn

U.S. Men’s Soccer Team Faces Tough Draw For World Cup. Majority of American Sports Fans Still Deciding If They Give A Shit.

This past Friday was the official drawing for the 2014 World Cup.  All of the teams that qualified for the big tournament now know exactly who they will be playing in the group stage.  Unfortunately for the United States, the drawing landed them in the dreaded “Group of Death” with Germany, Ghana, and Portugal.  Everyone knows that team U.S.A. has struggled in previous World Cup tournaments, but now more than ever American sports fans are trying to figure out if they will “give a shit” about any of it.  “I know that it’s pretty important, but if the sport doesn’t involve being brutally tackled or taking steroids, then I’m just not interested.” said local football/baseball fan Todd Barringer.

Americans are still finding it hard to believe that soccer can be relevant in our high-paced society.  “Maybe if you could somehow put them in a fast car and have them drive quickly in a circle, then maybe you could get my attention.” said local NASCAR fan Bill Dunham.  “Or maybe put gloves on them and have them beat the shit out of each other.  That would be awesome” Dunham added.

The World Cup is going to be a huge challenge for U.S.A.  The biggest challenge, however, will be finding American fans that give a shit about soccer.  If the United States manage to pull an upset and advance in the tournament this summer, then maybe some people will jump on board with the whole soccer thing.  But then again, probably not.

by Danny Dagorn